: Son, your mother and I are very proud of you. You're a smart and capable young man. Just remember that it's okay to date girls, but don't start going steady unless you're both ready for a lot more responsibility.

Mom: Oh! And make sure to ask the first person you meet where the hospital is. It's important to know in case of emergency, god forbid.

Dad: Always carry three extra resumes, just in case.

Mom: It might be good exercise to rollerblade to class – just wear a helmet and some bright colors, please.

: You'll never forget your dorm keys if you get a fanny pack with a key clip.

Mom: I'm packing extra socks, and that's final!

Dad: Don't post your email address or social security number in any Facebooks. You don't know who or what is on the Internet.

Mom: I know you're going to a school that's across the country, but if you ever need a ride home from a party call and we'll come pick you up – no questions asked.

Dad: Your mother wanted to give you a GPS implant, but I talked her out of it. Wear this antenna, though.

Mom: I packed a cyanide capsule with your toiletries, should you need to make the ultimate sacrifice.

Dad: If your roommate is black, request a transfer. It's not racist to be careful. Some day you'll understand that.

Mom: Whatever you do, make sure to wear a condom and a dental dam. I packed some with your DVDs to get you started.

Dad: Trust no one.

Mom: Don't fall asleep!

Dad: Show no fear. Girls hate fear.

Mom: Seriously, you can't be this old. Bite the cyanide.

Dad: Don't eat too much Ramen.