(Nine-year-old Mindy is watching Dirty Dancing on VHS with her Mom)

MINDY: Why was Penny crying in the kitchen?

MOM: Because boys make girls sad.


* * br />

MINDY: What's "knocked up?"

MOM: Something boys who aren't husbands do to girls who make bad decisions.


* *

MOM: You like the dancing?

MINDY: Yeah!

MOM: Johnny's a good teacher right?

MINDY: Yeah!

MOM: But when good girls dance, they don't wear tops that expose their belly buttons.

MINDY: But Baby's exposing her belly button.

MOM: That's because Baby's a “loose girl” like your old babysitter, Amanda.


* * br />
MINDY: Why does Johnny have his shirt off?

MOM: Because sometimes athletic-looking boys use their bodies to tempt girls into doing loose things.

MINDY: I see her bra! Ahahaha! I see her bra!!!

MOM: (as she fast forwards) Mindy, Baby and Johnny are having sex now. Do you remember what se-?

MINDY: Yeah mom I know! I remember. Sex is older girls and boys putting their parts together after they get married in order to make a baby, or sometimes just to say "I love you.” Duh!

MOM: That’s right.

MINDY: But Baby and Johnny aren't married…

MOM: And that's why Baby's not the type of girl boyfriends bring home to meet their parents. And that’s why she’s never going to have a boyfriend or a husband and will grow old all alone.


* *

(MINDY and MOM are dancing around the living room to "I've Had The Time Of My Life" Mindy plops down on the couch smiling.)

MINDY: She didn’t end up alone mom! He came back, and he took her out of the corner, and they’re gonna get married!

MOM: Mindy, are movies real life?


MOM: No movies are pretend. In real life, girl's aren't rewarded with handsome boyfriend’s like Patrick Swayze when they have sex or do sex things.

MINDY: They're not?

MOM: No, they're rewarded with things like bugs and itchiness in their 'special place.'

MINDY: Bugs??!!

MOM: Yes, tiny little bugs. And severe pain when they go to the bathroom.

MINDY: What?

MOM: And after the bugs, and the itching, and the pain, do you know what happens to girls who let boys into their Temples before the boys have committed to a full Temple membership and paid all their dues?


MOM: They die. That’s what happens, they DIE! (MINDY starts crying) Shhh, shhh. Come on, let’s go to the kitchen and snack those tears away ,and I’ll tell that story about my friend in college who went completely brain dead after smoking marijuana for the first time.