“You know, man, it’s like everyone thinks they KNOW me just because I have these gnarly dreads, but I’m not your typical ‘hippie’ guy, ya know? I’m an individual. Sure, I play the bongo drums, but I’ve never even been to a Phish show—at least not since they broke up. Everybody comes up to me and asks me if I want to smoke weed like I’m some sort of pothead. Yeah, I smoke pot a few times a day, but I'm not really a stoner or anything.”

Fat Frat Guy:

“GO STATE! I’ve got more school spirit than anyone in here and I’m standing next to the f*cking school mascot, so that's saying something. I used to play starting tackle on my high school's football team, state champs back to back. Every time I go home all my old friends say, “Wow, man, you’ve let yourself go.” They just don’t get that when you’re a Pi Kapp it’s almost impossible to stay in shape. I mean, it’s party tonight, party tomorrow night, and a sensible dinner. I’d get sick of it if I didn't like getting hammered and punching people in the face so much. GO STATE!”


“Isn’t this ironic T-shirt rad? Isn’t saying ‘rad’ ironic? You probably don’t notice me because I’m always getting great indie rock and putting it on my iPod. I know it looks like a really old model, but that’s because I was the first person in my entire school to get one. Oh, and you don’t even want to try to talk to me about music. My favorite band is so underground it hasn’t even been formed yet.”

Black Guy:

“Being a normal black kid at college sure is tough. Everybody thinks I’m either a rapper or an athlete. I walk around campus and students ask me what position I play—I don’t even like sports! At night people look at me like I’m some crazy gangster. We’re in the same English class; you don’t need to run away! Well, we know who’s gonna get a rough peer edit now!”

Party Girl

“I am NOT a slut. If I sleep with a few guys here and there, what's the big deal? This is college, right? I’m just a girl who likes to have fun! So what if I let Bruce (or was it James?) finger me a little on the dance floor last night? I was already twelve beers deep so I barely even felt it—no harm done! When my friends and I hit a party, you can tell all the guys are pumped to have us there. They’re like, ‘Oh yeah, this shit is ON!’ I guess me and my bitches just get off on making people happy. Anyone up for a game of strip flip-cup?”

Asian Nerd

“I get to class early to get a good seat. It’s easier to walk quickly with this rolling backpack, and it holds my pouch of pencils and erasers. If getting straight A’s and talking softly makes me a nerd, then so be it. I don’t see anything wrong with staying in on Friday nights to finish up some calculus problem sets. We'll see who’s laughing when I’m scoring grad-school fellowships left and right. Hello Kitty, good-bye college!”

“You think you understand me? You understand NOTHING! It’s just not easy, knowing every day when you wake up that it’s going to be more disappointments. These Cure records and makeup can only hide so much of my pain; rest just comes pouring out in the form of my blog: xxicutmyselfxx.blogspot.com. Current Emotion: sad.”


“Man, look at me! I’m a complete original in every way. My style is different from everyone else’s, but not in some freaky weird way. I do so many things that no one else does, like I dip my pizza in blue cheese. Who does that? Just me. Honestly, who wouldn't want to sleep with this guy?”