A party is where you’ll do most of your girl fishing, but, unfortunately, it’s the most complicated place to really get a girl. Sure sometimes you can snag a wallflower ug for a bit of smooching and a grope, but really, at least pretend you’re not that desperate. Jeez, this is an instruction manual; aim high.


1. Ok, you have to look good. I mean, hotness is preferable, but that’s not what I mean by “look good.” For instance, lobster looks like a big, gross, cockroach of the sea, but you’ll order it because you know it will taste awesome. You could be the lobster.

2. In that same vein, when you’re dressing for the party, you should try to incorporate something memorable into the outfit. But for the love of god, don’t go overboard on this. Don’t be fedora, bandana, eye-patch guy. By memorable I mean that when your girl’s been drinking a bit you want her to be able to think, “Where’s that guy in the red and blue striped shirt?”

3. Right, well, before I told you to aim high. Just don’t aim too high. Don’t bother with that really hot girl who’s the life of the party and has 5 smokin’ hot guys draped around her. Go for her slightly uglier friend. The naturally helping hand here is that the hot girl doesn’t actually want her uglier friend going after her guys so if you make any noticeable effort on your girl, the hot friend will jump in and say, “Yeah, you should totally go for that guy in the (insert memorable piece of attire here). He’s definitely cute.”

4. See if you can get yourself into a game of Beirut against her. You and your fat friend vs. her and her fat friend. (You always play with a fatty ‘cause they soak up the beer.) And this is when you get to do the Taunt Flirt. Be very, very careful with this one. You have to make sure that you come off looking cool and a little mean, but in a way that makes her feel attractive and confident. So don’t shout, “You’re going to miss, you fat dog-face!” Instead you can try, in a sing-song voice, “You’re gonna miss, ‘cause you are a girl…” If she misses and gets angry don’t say she’s PMSing, but if you throw a ping-pong that bounces off her boobs and into a cup, you are allowed to shout, “Boobie backboard.” Really, you’ve just got to trust in the subtle differences.

5. By this point you’re drunk, she’s drunk, and if you can’t swing things your way and seal the deal, you’re just being a pussy.