LISTEN UP HIGH SCHOOLERS! It's orientation week which means freshman year has officially begun! Rad!!! Basically This means three things for you: Your first night away from your parents (Eww!), your first beer (Ugh!), and ultimately your first kiss (Yessss!)

This ain't 12th grade anymore boys, so throw away those notebooks and start paying attention. Yeah, you've held somebody's hand but that doesn't mean anything now. (Quick sidenote: In College, professors will swear. Just FYI.)

Follow this advice carefully and you may even find yourself going all the way — FRENCHING.

1) Smell Her: Girls love to be smelled. When you meet somebody you like, don't even ask her name, just sniff her hair. Long. Hard. Take it in. Shiver a little on the exhale to show how hot you are. Then introduce yourself using a really cool nickname. Like "Slick" or "Hoover." So far so good.

2) Light Conversation: Girls love talking about themselves, so ask her lots of questions. Any of these will work: "What was your SAT score?" "What do you mean you forgot it?" "How can you forget ?! We just took them!" "What's your favorite color?"

3) Do Not Drink: There will be a time and a place for your first beer, but flat out: kissing and drinking do not go together. It gets too sloppy and ruins the magic of the moment. When your lips finally press against those of your mate, it's just so beautiful. You can't believe your lips have been without hers for so long and you want nothing to inhibit this moment. 100% Sober. 100% Magical…

4) Back Her Dumb Ass Into a Corner So She Cannot Say No: Nine times out of ten, a woman can walk away when you try to kiss her — DO NOT LET HER! You'll want her back flushed up against a wall so she can't turn around. Corners are great because she will then have no place to go. So magically cornered. So beautifully trapped. Like a defenseless fawn.

5) Never Stop: Kissing a girl is like the ultimate display of intimacy. It doesn't get any closer or passionate than this so never stop. Keep going until she says so. Then go some more. I honestly can't stress how magical it feels.

There we have it, boys. Now go get those D's wet! (D = Dimples.)