Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
Unspoken Conversations Between Me and My Professors
August 27, 2007
Professor: All tests in this class will be open book.
Me: I’ll tell you right now. I plan on learning nothing.
Professor: You will give me a positive review at the end of term.
Me: (nods) Understood.
Professor: Here is the final exam. You may take this test anywhere on campus.
Me: All of your students are planning to cheat.
Professor: I trust that you will have the good judgment to avoid this temptation.
Me: You put too much faith in your students.
Professor: (quietly) They’re all I have.
Professor: Each presentation I give in class will then be posted online for further review.
Me: So everything you show us in class…
Me: Will then be available online.
Professor: (dejected) Yes.
Me: You will never see my face again.
Professor: I wear Birkenstocks with socks in order to appear hip and relatable to my students.
Me: You look like my grandfather.
Professor: If anybody needs me, I’ve posted office hours on Monday, Wednesday and Friday from 9-12.
Me: I will make fun of you for this with my peers.
Professor: Yes, but you will also show up during them the week before classes end, begging for extra credit to help your grade.
Me: Touche, Professor. Touche.
Professor: You will email me your papers by midnight on October 10th.
Me: My computer is going to break on October 10th.
Professor: Make sure to back-up your files just in case. No excuses will be accepted.
Me: My dog ate my hard drive.
Me: I plan on crying.
Professor: (begrudgingly) Fine. You have 48 hours. (pause) I was once like you, you know.
Professor: Participation will account for 30% of your grade.
Professor: Truth. I will not keep track of your participation.
Me: This class rules!
Professor: Here is a Werther’s Original for coming to class today.
Professor: I do not believe in tests.
Me: There is a God.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.