I had a pretty significant weight loss fairly recently. I mean I didn’t start from a Jerry Springer level or anything but fuck you, it was still hard. From about April 2006 to the present I’ve lost about 50lbs and I’d say from about October of 2006 and on has just been keeping it off, all the weight was pretty much gone by then. So in a span of about 6 months I dropped about 50lbs, give or take maybe 5lbs and maybe a month or two. The details are fuzzy. But, if you just had your freshman year or you just graduated college or you just gave birth to twins or just got off some sort of drug and you’re interested how I did it, here are some tips:
1. Stop eating late at night, seriously if you resist to eat anything an hour or two before you hit the sack it changes a lot – caveat – if you’re hammered or high don’t feel bad for eating late, it’s only natural.
2. Drink more water, the more you pee the more you get shit out of your system, also there’s probably some value to staying hydrated, I don’t need to know what it is to give the advice.
3. Start exercising, odds are if you think you’re too fat, you don’t move enough. You can start small, trust me, if you’re really fat, your body will be in such shock that you’re doing anything that it’ll scramble for areas of any excess to suppress its appetite.
4. Run, run your fucking ass off. If you have weak knees, ankles, shins, etc….stop being a pussy. Pain is mental, hoo-rah
5. Wear a shitload of clothes when you run, Rocky did it. He was ripped as fuck. The more you sweat, the more your body works to feed itself, same shit. Plus, happy side effect, the more you sweat when you work out, the less you sweat at inappropriate times…found that out. For instance, if you’re sitting in class in an air conditioned classroom – you should not be sweating…didn’t know that until I lost weight.
6. Increase the intensity of your every day activities. It could be anything from pumping gas to paying the cashier at the grocery store to brushing your teeth to masturbating. If you violently shake like you’re an epileptic at the lights parade, you know many calories you’ll burn? A lot, that’s how many.
7. Laughing burns calories. Watch funny movies. Plus if you laugh you’ll forget/feel better about how fucking fat you are.
8. Speaking of funny and fat, watch Chris Farley, that’s 2 birds with one stone. You can burn calories laughing at him and he was fatter than everyone so you’ll feel skinny watching him. If you’re fatter than Chris Farley was, just stop reading this now.
9. Speaking of Chris Farley, start hanging out with people that do lots of drugs. First of all, a lot of them that are truly addicted turn into bad people to feed their vices, so at least you’ll feel good about your inside. But we all know that’s bullshit and the outside is what matters. So, most of them are also skinny, especially if they’re into heroin, cocaine or meth. Hanging out with these people will make you self-conscious and that just makes you work harder. If that doesn’t work…
10. Start doing drugs. Meth is a great one. Tweeking makes you a lot of friends too. You’re “quirky and fun”. But the main thing is that you’ll drop pounds like mad.
11. Eat like shit. Don’t start eating salad and fruit and that kind of bullshit. The more bullshit you eat, the more you’re teaching your body how to metabolize it. (Note: concurrent drug use required for this tip to be effective)
12. Throw up, its kind of fun. Thousands of European models can’t be wrong.
13. Start cutting your flesh away. This is the most literal and direct approach. Plus, not only do you lose weight from the skin you cut off, but the blood loss you incur loses you another 5-10lbs.
14. Get dysentery. This one is tricky, so far the only way I know how to get dysentery is to play Oregon Trail but I’m working on it. So far the closest thing I can come up with is a violent mixture over-the-counter laxatives and Mexican food, and not real Mexican food – Taco Bell.
15. Have a serious accident. Anytime you end up in a coma, you’ll drop a guaranteed 25. So, if you get that far down and that freeway median looks good – might as well turn the wheel.
16. Do not stop drinking alcohol. This isn’t so much a weight-loss technique as it is a coping technique. Plus, you’ll find if you are losing weight, you get drunk faster – forget body image, health, attracting the opposite sex, more comfy fitting clothes, etc. If there is truly a reason to lose weight – sped up drunkenness is it.
17. Have sex. Find someone, doesn’t matter who. Just hump away. If you can’t find a willing partner, just take it. That actually burns more calories and if you find a particularly feisty adversary you’ll burn double the calories defending yourself. Then if someone catches you and comes to your poor victim’s rescue, you still burn calories running from the scene. It’s all golden. Just remember what Ponyboy said though – Nothing gold can stay. So, this will only work a couple times, maybe just once, maybe not even once at all. Which leads me to my next tip.
18. Go to prison. They feed you meager amounts and you have nothing better to do than work your fat ass out. Plus the tables get turned and if you have to protect the sanctity of your own asshole, that burns even more calories. Its all about opportunity to burn.
19. Try to escape prison. This is especially effective if shackled. That’s what personal trainers call ‘resistance training’. And then there’s all the running involved and so forth. Just don’t get shot, if you get caught you live to burn more calories, but if you get shot – what do you have then?
20. Get shot. This doesn’t have anything to do with losing weight other than that if these first 19 tips didn’t work just kill yourself or find a buddy to do it for you.
Or you know, I guess you could just be fat. It’s not that bad, plus food is good.
I hope those helped. My infomercial will be out later this year with even more wonderful tips on how to "Decrease your Beast", catchy right?
-Mike Truesdale of EasyOnTheIce.com