Macho Guy – This guy has the keen insight that women swoon for Neanderthal Alpha male displays of macho superiority. Undersized t-shirts, body hair, monosyllable vocabulary, chewing glass, all of these are telltale signs that you are in the presence of a real man. Often his outbursts of rage are mistaken as steroid induced. In actuality, they are generally a product of whichever insecurity that his behavior is compensating for.

If you find yourself gravitating towards this archetype, this may be the result of an undersized phallus. Or your mother used to passively watch as your father knocked you around the house with his towing chain. Hell, maybe in sixth grade you just got teased for smelling funny. Whatever the case, don’t sweat it. Before hitting up the club, go ahead and stuff a decent sized tube sock down your pants. Then, to get in the right mindset, try and focus on all your deepest insecurities. Repeat the following mantra till you feel it sink in: Nobody respects me, I’ll never be cool enough, I need to impress people so that I’ll fit in.

Once in the club, try to stare down as many people as possible. Ideally you want to be able to make as big of a show that you are looking for a fight as possible without actually engaging in one. Remember, if you make eye contact and they look away it means they submitted to your superior manliness. You always need to be the center of attention, if you are ignored too long, don’t hesitate to do whatever it takes to get the spotlight back. If it seems like you are making a fool of yourself, just keep pushing through it. Yelling, fighting, drinking, strutting, and puking are your tools to make girls cream in their panties at the raw animal magnetism you’ll be radiating.