I don't smoke nearly as much weed as I tell people I do, none the less, don't borrow any money to me.

I have HBO, come hang out in my room.

I am a beer snob. I will scoff every time I see you drinking Keystone Light and ask you how you can "drink that piss".

I wear sweatpants and have never touched a woman's breast.

I carry a Nalgene bottle everywhere with me.

There is a 90% chance I will date rape a girl this year.

I will get drunk and lecture you on French New Wave films.

I watch you while you sleep.