Day 1: Grow a mustache so nobody thinks you’re 18.
Day 2: Take one for the team and sleep with your RA.
Day 3: Make all the McLovin references you can, you have exactly two weeks until they officially become played out.
Day 4: Buy a Fake I.D….Unfortunately, it will no doubt look fake.
Day 5: Find out where the financial aid office is so when you go on your
murderous rampage you’ll know where to start.
Day 6: First weekend! Go home and see all your high school friends.
Day 7: Break up with your boyfriend/girlfriend. Do it now to beat the post-Columbus
Day Weekend rush
Day 8: Buy a Frisbee
Day 9: Have sex with an ugly chick. You have to amuse your roommates somehow.
Day 10: Develop a Nicotine addiction.
Day 11: Take a survey to find out what people call the game where you try to throw a ping pong ball into a series of cups filled with beer. Anyone who responds “Beirut” you should make sure not to associate with.
Day 12: Make sure to get anything you can for free.
Day 13: Find out who on your floor smokes weed. This is crucial
Day 14: Find out who on your floor sells it. Even more crucial.
Day 15: If you’re a girl, change your sexual orientation. Start your lesbian phase now to get a jump on the competition.
Day 16: Do everything that would possibly bug your roommate in one day, that way every time you do those things again they’ll just say “Oh that’s just so and so.”
Day 17: Make sure you’re not the smelliest person in your room (Disregard if you have a single)
Day 18: Learn how to play the guitar
Day 19: At the bar, buy shots for like 30 people that way every time someone walks by they’ll say “Hey, there’s that cool guy that bought 30 people shots” and someone will probably sleep with you shortly after.
Day 20: Show up to a party with a ton of pot.
Day 21: Make sure no one you are close to owns a video camera. You WILL be embarrassed if they do.
Day 22: Avoid anyone with a Lava Lamp.
Day 23: Make up an elaborate story about how you and some celebrity are friends.
Day 24: Buy every Dave Matthews album. Start talking constantly about how much you love them.
Day 25: Work on your hackysack skills.
Day 26: Buy that poster of John Belushi from Animal House; display it prominently.
Day 27: Realize that between Google, Wikipedia, and Sparknotes you can piece together a pretty decent paper in under an hour.
Day 28: Perfect your impressions of Borat, Stewie, and Cartman.
Day 29: Put your head in your toilet bowl. Spend some time getting acquainted.
Day 30: Buy five pairs of sweat pants. Let yourself go. Completely.
Day 31: Go to your first class.