Dear Michael Ortega,

Thanks for nothing, SENOR!

I appreciate the sentiment but did you have to take NINE dollars (American!) out of my wallet to pay for overnight shipping? I already canceled my debit and credit cards you dumb ass. That's like the first thing you do when you lose your wallet in a foreign country, so it's not like there was a rush.

Secondly, you didn't take any of the change out of the coin-purse part of my wallet, which, by the way, was the only money you were actually entitled to. Anyway, that made the wallet heavy enough, that when the Mexican equivalent of Fed Ex (Fed Mex?) mailed it to me, they charged an extra four bucks for shipping, you inconsiderate prick. I guess they don't teach MANNERS in TIJUANA?

Thirdly, who said you could even go through my wallet? There's a word for that in American, it's called "privacy." Maybe you south of the border thieves don't get that.

Honestly, I've never felt so unlucky in my entire life.

What really kills me is the fact that you put your name and return address on the envelope like you're expecting some sort of reward. You expect me to pay for shipping AND send you back a gift? At least have the common decency to use a fucking pseudonym you arrogant piece of shit.