I've been asked to interpret a few common phrases that women use to perform Jedi mind tricks on guys. The following is an incomplete list of translations of what women say, versus what they would actually say if they had ovaries a fraction as large as mine.

She says:
I'm fine.
She means: I am so far from being "fine" that I could punch your mother in the face right now and not even worry about going to hell. I'm that unhappy with you. I'm not going to tell you what's wrong because if you loved me, you'd already know. I expect you to be able to read my mind via my gorgeous eyes and expressive nose. You should be able to fix this totally obvious problem without me having to explain it to you. You'd better make it fast, too; Julie and I are going out for drinks tonight and I'll make out with the cute bartender who always flirts with me if you're off your game. I'm not afraid to leave you. I can get laid whenever I want. I control all the sex in this relationship.

She says: I have cramps.
She means: I probably don't have cramps at all, but you should go ahead and offer me Tylenol, a heating pad, and a massage. Maybe some tea. You're right; I don't like tea, but if you don't offer it to me I'm going to assume you're cheating on me with that bitch from your job. Yeah, Marcia. She's a whore. I saw her wave at you when I picked you up from work the other day. You think she's prettier than me, don't you? DON'T YOU? Sorry, that's just my PMS. I know you think I'm pretty, but you'd bring me tea if you loved me. If you don't at least offer me Tylenol, and I don't have cramps, you're not getting laid tonight because I'll know you don't love me and I control all the sex in this relationship.

You say: What do you want to do?
She says: I don't care.
She means: I do care. I care a lot. I want to go see that new Jessica Alba movie, but I want to feel like you genuinely want to see it too. In order to accomplish this, I want you to suggest seeing the movie as though it was your idea so I don't feel like such a bitch for dragging you along to watch a chick flick that I'm pretty sure you're going to hate. If you can accomplish this simple task, I might have sex with you tonight, if I don't have cramps. I control all the sex in this relationship.

You say:
The LA Car Show is in town. I got us tickets for Saturday AND Sunday! I figured since I went to see that Jessica Alba movie with you, you'd want to do this with me.
She says: That's fine. We can do that.
She means: We definitely cannot do that. This is the worst idea you've ever had. Remember when you thought it would be a good idea to BBQ inside the apartment? The fire alarms kept going off because Jeff was playing with the lighter fluid and you got so drunk all you did was laugh and tell him to use more. The fire department had to come and my building superintendent fined me so I didn't sleep with you for three months? This is worse than that idea. If you can't find someone to buy those tickets and come up with something romantic for us to do this weekend, I'm going to have cramps for the next two months, just to prove that I control all the sex in this relationship.

You say:
She says: Really?
She means: That's not a good idea, but if I keep shooting down every suggestion you have, you're going to think I'm a huge bitch. I don't want you to think I'm a bitch, I just want you to recognize how much smarter I am than you. If you can't admit that to yourself and me, just remember who controls the sex in this relationship.