There are two kinds of girls in the world: the ones that want to get picked up at the gym, and the ones that don’t. And the only way you can tell them apart is, well, by trying to pick them up at the gym. There are, of course, four inherent gym obstacles: body odor, hindered breathing, stretchy clothes, and sweat. But what can you do? When a girl strikes your fancy, you’ve just got to go for it. So here’s how you do it:

1. Figure out where the gym is. On every college campus it’s a rule that when you ask where the gym is, you will be met with an are-you-a-blind-moron stare. That’s because the gym is right in front of your face. It’s huge and sticks out like a sore thumb and, yeah, you are a moron for not seeing it.

2. Since you’re not a super muscley guy (Took a shot in the dark there) you should be ready to embrace that fact. The two main no-nos are: One, wearing real legit exercise attire, and two, pretending, when your girl comes by, to just be counting off your 200th bicep curl. Just act like you’re new at the gym thing. Girls love the idea of a guy with potential. Almost more than they love a perfect guy. We’re just really strange and bossy. Do you have a problem with that?

3. Ok, now you’ve got to catch your girl’s eye. DON’T try to catch her eye while she’s doing something gross i.e. crunches, squats, wiping sweat from the stationary bike, or wiping sweat from herself. If you do that, she will get embarrassed and completely clam up when you try to talk to her. So you pretty much only want to catch the eye of a girl on an elliptical machine. She will be standing upright, probably not drenched in sweat, and, you know, the elliptical is really fun.

4. Be goofy, but don’t be a spaz. Your best bet is to find some really muscley, dumb looking guy who is just way too into his weight lifting (there will be one there) and then catch your girl’s eye, hold for a moment with a very light smile around your lips, then give a subtle nod to the freaky guy, combine that with a shoulder-shrug/eye-roll/grin. If your girl grins back, you have permission to continue flirting. Try a (toned-down) Artie Strongest Man in the World pose. (Don’t get caught, though, ‘cause that guy will beat the sh*t out of you.)

5. By this point her half-hour on the machine is probably up and you’ve got your chance to walk over, with the tried-and-true sheepish grin, and introduce yourself. You should be all set with this girl now. Unless, of course, you say all smarmy-like, “Ok, let’s hit the showers!” I promise that won’t work, you poor, dumb bastard.