Illinois, September 13th 2007 — Boobs(BOOB) plummeted for the third day in a row bringing their man stock down to a year low of 53. The origin of the crash is still in question, however, it is certain that Britney Spears, a long time employee of Boobs, brought on negative publicity in the past year, even making some gentlemen question if they still consider themselves Boob Guys. Due to this fact, it's been reported that BOOB headquarters have received thousands of e-mails and text messages begging for the termination of her contract. An unnamed source working for Boobs told us that, "Boob advocates are almost always men who have girlfriends with large breasts, yet ugly faces. Now, I don't know how they did it, but they have raised the value of Boobs so much that this one feature can protect them from any heckling that they are obviously having sex with a yetti that just received breast-implants. It's really ridiculous, luckily, I think others are starting to catch on." It's safe to assume that Boob's biggest fear is that they continue to plummet, possibly as far as Personality did back in the late 90's, which would eventually lead to an outraged community of young men who invested strongly in the belief that boobs would always be a good thing to have in a woman. As of now, it is too early to tell the outcome for Boobs.

On a bright note, Ass(O) and Blowjobs (BJ) have continued to climb this week, topping off at nearly 46 and 99 respectively. As we all know, Nike is to Reebok, as Ass is to Boobs and with their competitions sudden decline, Ass is really trying to push itself into the lead. This quarter, Ass has marketed it's products heavily in China while Boobs focused most of their attention on Laguna Beach. As we predicted, Ass renewed its contract with the black minorities to continue their advertising campaign.

In other news, an unusual move was made by Blowjobs late Wednesday when they decided to financially support Handjobs (HJ) just minutes before they were going to declare themselves "gay". However, don't let this act of kindness fool you into believing they did it for the good of their heart. Blowjobs backed Handjobs solely in order to maintain their market value.

Finally, what you have all been waiting for, my advice. As we all know, the weekend is coming near and your mind is probably numb from the weekdays monotony. That's why I confidently point you towards investing some interest in Weirdly Attractive Girl (WAG). This stock is becoming more and more popular because she has been rumored to be very giving towards all her investors and is constantly switching up her products. You may remember that Weirdly Attractive Girl did not pass inspection earlier in the week, but as the time graph proves, time heals all wounds, blisters, and crabs. That seems to be all for this week, good luck and god speed.