Facebook? What is this? Is this like a yearbook? Is this what you use to talk to your old high school friends? No? Why not? They were such sweet kids. They were all so nice. I didn't worry about you when you were with them. You'd go on hikes and went to church. Such special times. Fine, we don't have to talk about it now, but we should later.

What is this? A wall? People can write on a wall? Is this like graffiti? You know I don't support graffiti, dear. It's not only the eyesore and devaluing of property; it's a public nuisance that encourages gang rivalries and endangers entire communities. I'm not going to support this website if it's going to encourage that kind of behavior in youngsters.

Oh, it's just a way for you to talk to your friends? Why don't you write a letter? People don't write enough letters these days. Do you remember when you used to write letters to your grandmother before she passed away? Those were really special. I know she appreciated those a lot.

Yes, pumpkin, I know e-mail is more convenient but it doesn't have the same meaning. I do love those forwards though. Those cats doing funny things make me laugh so hard. They're always doing such bad things. They're a real "cat-astrophe", if you know what I mean. Oh, dear. I crack myself up.

What are these boys saying to you? "Boning"? What is that? Why do these boys care so much about your bones? Are you OK? Are you getting enough calcium? Maybe you should drink more milk. Did you break something? Am I going to get a bill from the hospital? Oh, it just means they think you're pretty. Well, they're right you know. You look just like I did in college and I was a real looker, if I say so myself. It's too bad I married your father so early. I probably could have done much better for myself. Don't get married too young, dear. Just don't get married too young.

You have a friend who calls himself "Action Jackson"? What does that mean? Has he tried to have sex with you? Are you sexually active? You'd better not be having sex. Do you remember that nice dinner I took you to when you were 13 and you promised not to have sex until you were married? You promised, dear. YOU PROMISED. You'd better be keeping your promise. People go to hell for breaking promises.

This is silly. I don't think I like this website very much. I already know how pretty you are. This just makes me fear for your bones.