Some people feel obligated to go to church during college, for reasons known only to them. Personally, I can’t imagine getting up at seven on a Sunday for a lecture that doesn’t even give transferable credits, but to each his own. To determine if you’re one of these God-fearing undergrads, take this quiz, and give yourself 0 for A’s, 1 for B’s and 2 for C’s. Good luck. Eyes on your own paper, dammit!
1. Premarital Sex is….
a. Wrong. It will send you to a fiery eternity in hell. No beatin’ off either, wise guy.
b. A personal choice couples make when they’re in love.
c. Fucking awesome.
2. Finish this sentence: I love God because…
a. He loves me.
b. The nuns at my private school beat it into me with ping-pong paddles and sticks.
c. Because the Gophers fucking won last weekend! Wait…what? Fuck God. Florida Atlantic can go to hell too.
3. What did you do last weekend?
a. Studied until 11 every night, then movie and popcorn with members of the same sex. No body contact.
b. Went to a party or two, maybe kissed a girl from your floor. Spent the night in dorm room, alone.
c. I honestly have no recollection whatsoever.
4. The last time someone preached in the school Quad, what did you do?
a. Stopped and listened for an hour, then tipped him with the some money off the top of the right wing conservative group you run.
b. Kept walking briskly past on the way to class.
c. Threw a textbook at him for interrupting your fucking nap.
5. The Bible…
a. Tells us how to live and to hate gay people. And maybe minorities.
b. Is a general guideline for how to live, taught with symbols and allegories.
c. Is chock full of perfect rolling paper.
6. As a kid, you went to church because…
a. You wanted to, ever so badly. God wanted you to, too.
b. Your parents made you. And you secretly liked youth group.
c. The wine was free. You were seven.
Now add up all of your points. If you got .
0-4 points: You’re so scared of God you sleep with a cross, just in case you have a sinful dream and it pisses him off. If the Pope determined that the Bible wanted you to jump off a bridge, you’d be the first one to make the leap. Unfortunately, it’ll be April Fool’s Day when His Holiness declares this. Oh, Benedict XVI, you’re such a tricky bastard.
5-8 points: You’re a Christmas and Easter kinda guy. You might attend a youth church meeting in the fall, but only for the free burgers.
9-12 points: You’re probably not going to go to church anytime soon, if ever. The only time you’ve ever said God was in vain, and you secretly felt bad about justifying those religious assholes that keep trying to get you off the needle drugs. Don’t worry, nothing happens when you die.