Many first year students, as well as those of us that have been here for several years, face a significant issue when it comes to graduating, the issue of choosing a major.

The following is a helpful compilation of what people with certain majors do at parties. Undecided students can consult this list to gain insight into their likely future educational and career path. Doing so can guide you to the major that you will inevitably declare, and perhaps allow you to do so before your first grandchild is born.

  • Marketing- When people complain that the party isn’t what you promised, you tell them about another party that’s twice as fun at half the price.
  • Sociology- More focused on what social sphere the people you are talking to are from and how society shaped their personalities rather than remembering their names
  • Pre Med- You’re waiting for people to black out so they can convince the nursing students to take care of them and then take the credit.
  • Art- You’re focused upon the essence of the party and how the visual themes convey something profound about life. You may spend two hours looking at a bottle cap to decipher what it means.
  • Poly Science- You’re just sitting there waiting for something, anything, to happen so you can analyze it. Later, once the keg is kicked you’ll be able to give no less than forty reasons to explain why, most inferring that it was the people’s fault.
  • Pre Law- If you jump the fence at the first sign of trouble consider Pre-Law. Other party goers should take their example and head out seeing as you have the perfect decoys.
  • Finance- You collect money for beer with the promise that people that chip in will get a return on their investment. Often rely on marketing majors to help secure funds and to rip people off.
  • Early Childhood Development- If you’re a woman, you’re trying to find a husband. If you’re a man you’re trying to find a husband.
  • Computer Science- Like the Music major you’re hanging around the computer looking at the music selection. Unlike the music major you are not there to choose music, but you are there to insure that the latest version of I-Tunes is running.
  • Creative Writing Majors and Actors- Convincing the party goers to “finance” your next project, you flake out on the party after several rejections.
  • History- “How cool was high school?” I’m sure you have the answer. Also there is a good chance you’ll debate with the Poly Sci kids about the keg running out. Obviously the demise of the keg was inevitable regardless of the people at the party, you then leave to read up on the subject.
  • Biology- Contemplating what effects the numerous drugs and alcohol are having on your body.
  • Engineering- Fixing the kegtap with duct tape and WD40.
  • Advertising- You got the people to the party, way to go. Now you’re unsure what you should do, so you invite more people.
  • Accounting- Explaining to the owner of the house how they will end up losing money if they get any thing else to drink for the party goers. Nine times out of ten you’ll be told to shove off.
  • Management- You’re one of the party hosts, and you’re telling your friends to pick up after themselves and when to buy more cups.
  • Any Foreign Language- Using your language skills to act like an exchange student and hitting on them with your accent. Strangely, you find it easy till you run into an actual exchange student. Embarrassed, you ask marketing/advertising major about other parties.
  • Film- You hit on girls with the line “You would be perfect for a part in my next movie.” Unless it’s a cast party, this line will still be falling flat even after the keg is flat.
  • Architecture- Shouldn’t be at a party. Go home and build that house out of popsicle sticks. You may be called upon to supervise the carving of the ice luge though.
  • Philosophy- You analyze what it really means to be “at” the party. Upon failing to determine this, you consider what a party really is.
  • Psychology- Remember that guy didn’t turn you down because he didn’t like you, he did so because of their mother.

Hopefully this helped you guys out. If not consult a guidance counselor. Just kidding, but not really.