Hey! Yeah, you at the bar. I was just admiring how attractive your body was when I noticed that lump on your dome. I really have to ask you: what is that thing on top of your head? That mound of scalp or something buried under your hair. It looks like a bump or some kind of physical deformity. I'm sorry if it makes you uncomfortable to talk about…




What's that? It's not something you were born with? Then surely it must have happened recently. Is your boyfriend here? I know this may be hard to deal with at a bar, but I have the number of a really good abuse hot-line if you want it. My friend works there and says that 75% of all domestic abuse incidents are never even reported…




So you don't have a boyfriend? Well, I'm just all out of ideas here. You don't mind if I poke it do you? Oh, that's weird. It's sort of hollow, and crunchy. Is that like a secret reserve of hairspray that you can use when you’re at the bar? It must be a bitch to carry around an aerosol can of that stuff in your purse…




Hey! I'm sorry; I didn't know you were so sensitive about people touching your head. So you don't use that poof of hair to hide stuff? Then you must use it to minimize the appearance of your enormous forehead. That's a smart move. I had this friend in kindergarten who had a whole lot of face, too. He ate crayons, but that was the least of his worries…




No?




OK, if it's not any of those then what's the deal with your dome? Aerodynamics? Embarrassed of your height? Just thought you'd try the inverted-bangs haircut since regular bangs stopped being cool in middle school? Maybe this is a girl's version of a faux hawk? Or maybe you want to look mildly retarded when you go out at night because it gets you a discount on cover?




No? Nothing?




Well, don't have any more guesses. Can I at least buy you a drink and maybe later raunchily make out with you at the bar? Sweet. Just one more thing. That shit won't still be on top of your head in the morning… will it?