What's up? I'm sure you know who this is, but just in case there happens to be more than one Jewish girl with a New York accent talking to you around the Jewish Holidays, this is Shoshana Lowenschwartz. Shoshana Alana Lowenschwartz. Not that 90 pound bitch Shoshana Alana Cohen who wore the same dress as me to our Spring Formal. Stupid bitch clone. Okay so I know this is a really busy time with Rosh Hashanah happening and Yom Kippur coming up and that Jews everywhere are atoning for their sins, and repenting and stuff and attempting to start the New Year off with a clean slate, etc. etc. So I’ll try to make my list short.
Okay, here goes:
I’m sorry for “accidentally” spilling my Cosmo all over Shoshana Cohen at our Spring Formal last year.
I’m sorry I started eating pork again.
I’m sorry I started eating shellfish again. I heart lobster.
I’m sorry I spent more money on bikini waxes than charity this year.
I’m sorry for driving a lot on Shabbat.
Oh, and for using my laptop on Shabbat.
And my hair dryer.
And my iphone.
Oh, and my blender to make non-kosher margaritas.
I'm sorry for sleeping with Shawn O'Connor.
Oh, and Chris Peterson.
Oh, and Christian Dalson.
Oh, and some Swedish guy I met at my Becca's birthday party whose name I can't remember.
I'm sorry for using J Date to find booty calls and not a husband.
That being said, I'm sorry I've almost completely wasted my J Date membership fee by banging almost every guy in my 10 to 20 mile radius before I've given them the chance to fall in love with me.
That being said, I'm sorry for all the oral sex I've had with guys who— I knew beforehand— wouldn't be potential Jewish husbands.
That being said, I'm sorry for all the oral sex I had with Shawn, Chris, Christian, and the Swedish guy.
That being said, I'm sorry for being such a lightweight.
I'm sorry for getting two more tattoos in two more suggestive places.
I'm sorry I told Julie's friend Jake that "I'm an atheist too!" It's not true G-d. I just thought he was really hot.
Oh, so add Jake the atheist to above.
I 'm sorry for using the amazing Jew-boobs you gave me to get things: like free drinks and better grades in classes with male student graduate instructors.
That being said, I'm sorry I told that guy Brett whose subletting Karen’s room while she’s abroad that he could touch them once a month if he did my dishes and laundry.
And most importantly G-d, I'm sorry that I only went to temple three times last year. I’m going to be better this year I promise!
Oh, and I'm sorry that two of the times I went were a year ago for Rosh and Yom with my parents (which everyone goes to so I know doesn't really score big points) and that the other time I went was because Rachel told me the new Rabbi in training was really hot.
Oh, and I'm sorry for picturing myself doing it, doggy style, with the new Rabbi in training when I was supposed to be praying.
And I'm sorry for picturing it now, when I'm supposed to be atoning.
Oh, and sorry for picturing it during Rosh services last week.
Whew, okay I think that’s it. Here’s to another great year!!!!