I’m glad you were able to make it to my office hours. It’s been a few weeks since classes started, and I’ve been meaning to talk to you. I’m just not impressed by your knowledge base. I expect you to know everything in this course before you do any reading, despite you never having studied psychology before. I know everything about it, why can’t you? As I sit there at home in my 50+ chat room, the thought of how little you know disturbs me. Almost as much as the thought that I spend my nights in a 50+ chat room. Oh, I’m so alone.

You’re really sliding. That first day of classes, you did so well. When I read the syllabus aloud and you followed along, I really thought, “this kid is going to be something.” And you wrote down your name and contact information on an index card just like I asked! I even told my friend Oliver all about how bright you are. Oliver didn’t say much, but he listened and nodded his head in agreement. Oliver is my cat.

How can you not already know about classical conditioning? Haven’t you ever seen Clockwork Orange? I’ve watched it often. I can’t watch it anymore because it scares Oliver. But it’s a good movie. You should see it sometime.

I can’t teach you what you don’t already know. My job is not to teach you. If it was, I would be called a “teacher.” But I am a professor. My job is to profess how frustrated I am that you don’t know as much as I do.

If you don’t start working harder, you’re never going to be ready for advanced psychology, where they’ll expect you to know all that stuff, too. And if you can’t get through advanced psychology, how are you ever going to become a psychology professor? You’re not, that’s how. Don’t you feel stupid. Oh, you don’t? You’re only taking this course because it fills a requirement? You don’t want to be a psychology professor? But look how much fun I’m having! Oh, I’m so alone.

Even if you just dabble in it, psychology is a very useful subject! You can use it to truly understand human nature, which I obviously do. That is why I’m in my 50s, have never been married, and spend my nights home with a cat and a chat room. Because if there’s one thing I know, it’s people.

If you don’t start shaping up and doing the reading before I assign it, I’m going to continually make idle threats until you come back to my office hours to kiss up. That’ll teach you a lot about psychology. Especially about frail old men and their need to feel needed.

I miss Oliver.