Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
A Look at the New Fall Lineup
September 24, 2007
The Big Bang Theory
Two quantum physicists try and have sex with their smoking-hot neighbor.First of all, Kudos to
for finally listening to those legions of fans clamoring for content about the riveting, laugh-a-minute lives of quantum physicists.(Anyone who has ever heard Stephen Hawking tell “The Aristocrats” knows what I’m talking about.)In an average sit-com, the “Hot Chick Next Door” scenario would be a single episode, but I’m sure the writing staff will have no problem stretching that one flimsy premise into a TV franchise to rival
.Just imagine the comedic gold as the lady fends off the geeks’ awkward advances while flirting just enough so they’ll rip her CD collection onto her new iPod.Then tune-in next week, when she fends off the geeks’ awkward advances while flirting just enough so they’ll hook up her digital camera and upload her vacation photos from Cancun.It’s like a Madlib of hilarity, and best of all, the title says “Bang.”
–An epic drama following a powerful Cuban family whose fortune comes from importing a white powder.No, no, I’m talking about sugar, silly! Though they also import rum, which as we all know, goes well with Coke.And it stars Jimmy Smits, who played a drug dealer in
.I actually think the title was shortened from the original: “Shmocaine”.
As the great Homer Simpson once said, “Firs’ you get the chugar.‘Den you get the power.‘Den you get the weemennnnnnnnn….”Personally, I’m excited for
.I always said that if
had just done away with the cussing, tits and violence, then it might have had a chance at being a hit.
- A fix-it guy in a Best Buy-like electronics chain accidentally reads an email that downloads every government secret into his brain.Then the
has to protect him with their most buxom agent.Hilarity ensues. At first this show had me really excited.Between
The Big Bang Theory
, it seemed like my dreams had come true: geek was now chic; nerd was the new black.I prepared myself for pussy in quantities previously reserved for produce, like bushels and grosses.Then I called every single girl I’ve ever wanted to sleep with, and now I have to figure out what to do with a kilo of condoms.Stupid Costco.
It’s hard to figure out which part of the plot requires more suspension of my disbelief.First, there’s the hot
agent, who comes from the same porniverse where cable repairmen put Wilt Chamberlain to shame.Second, an email that “downloads” government secrets into a man’s brain suggests that my mother was hired as a technical consultant.But the worst of all is that advertisements for this show say that Chuck is a nerd.Anyone who has ever taken their PC into a Best Buy knows that it would take them two weeks to install an ink cartridge in your printer.They aren’t nerds; they aren’t even graduates of
The Bionic Woman
– After being nearly killed in a car accident, a woman’s body is largely rebuilt using cutting-edge technology, giving her enhanced abilities and super strength.
’s all-out marketing campaign suggests they’ll do whatever it takes to make it a hit.My only concern is that the show will send a message to young women that the only way to succeed is to be surgically enhanced.That being said, the only way I’m watching the show is if they give her big boobs.I mean, as long as you got her on the table…
, but in a different city.What I’m really afraid of is that in three years’ time,
will be a franchise to rival
.If you’re a guy, make plans to be somewhere else whenever this show is on.If it’s anything like
, it will leave women emotionally charged, and positive about one or more of the following:
a)There are other guys out there infinitely hotter and richer than you, yet these guys also never fail to be witty and romantic. Should they ever happen to hurt a woman emotionally, it will be because they had her best interests in heart.Later, they will make it up to her with romance and, presumably, tons of oral sex.You suck.
b)The men out there who aren’t hot and romantic constantly do the stupidest shit.The stupid shit they do is the reason behind all of their troubles with the women in their lives.They are probably selfish lovers who want blowjobs all the time.Your girlfriend is reminded of you.
c)On the off-chance that a woman makes a mistake, it is only because she has a lot of other things going on in her life.She’s got a little emotional, and flustered, but that’s perfectly understandable, and therefore so is whatever she did.Anyone who holds it against her is an insensitive prick.You, for example.
Cashmere Mafia/Big Shots
Here’s the description of
’s website: “Four Manhattan women bonded by their Ivy League educations and executive success… support each other through rocky marriages, rival colleagues, kids' recitals and the hunt for the perfect loft.” Compare that to the description of
: “The lines between boardroom and bedroom blur in
, the story of four friends who are at the top of their game until the women in their lives enter the room.”
If the two shows could somehow have a conversation, here’s how I imagine it would go…
: I’m thrilled to have an opportunity to showcase successful, powerful women.
:Women ain’t nothin’ but bitches and ho’s.
:We both know that isn’t true.All over America, women are executives, captains of industry, even the Secretary of State.
: To the moon, Alice!
: Admittedly, I am a blatant rip-off of
Sex in the City
. And I can’t even describe women helping each other without mentioning shopping…
:Women be shoppin’!Women.Be.Shopping.
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