On the way to Dinner:

No those pants don't make you look fat, but they don't help any and I think the stitching is coming loose there.

Fuck me. Psssh as if you'd put out after I said that.

After she gets back from a trip:

What do you mean you weren't here this week, no wonder why it was so quite.

Do did you have a nice trip. "Feed the cat". What cat?

So that was your roommate in your bed last night….oops.

In-laws:

Yes I had a great time too Mrs. Smith. God I hope you don't turn out to look like your mother.

Fine I will go to hell. Hell the strip club

After Sex:

What do mean "are you wearing a condom?"  Why do i have to wear one when you are on birth control.  How was I supposed to know your birth control ran out.


During Marriage:

God I hate kids, hey what does the positive sign on this stick mean?

Yeah he does have my eyes….so I think we should break up now.


After Marriage:

50 years and you let me go to bed in peace (next morning) Honey….well I just slept with a dead person.