It’s Wednesday night, and that means it’s time once again for Kid Nation! It’s the craziest idea CBS has had since they put a woman on the news! In fact, I haven’t been this interested in something since I saw this really cute blonde girl in my retail management class. But Kid Nation is better…and do you want to know why? Because I can watch it and not feel creepy*. Needless to say, that was not the case with the girl in my class.

(*You know, as long as I forget it’s about 40 under aged kids.)

Where shall we start? First of all, I can’t believe this wasn’t cancelled. Sweet.

Now what? Oh yeah, the episode title. Pretty ominous, no? To Kill Or Not To Kill? Jesus, CBS.

Laurel and her annoying accent are back. So, um, that’s good.


Anyway, here’s my first real beef with the show this week. I didn’t really touch on this last time, but the council members have their own little building that has a book in it. The book is supposedly a diary left from the original settlers of Bonanza City. It’s annoying because it’s so contrived. I’m sure when the original settlers of Bonanza City were busy dying and fording rivers with their oxen that they decided “Hey! Let’s write a guide to our town for any kids that might stumble upon this place and shoot a TV show in 100 years!” Anyway, the book tells the Kids that “chickens are good for more than eggs.”

So now, the kids debate on whether or not they’re going to kill a chicken.


Ut-oh.

Our ambiguously gay boy scout, Mike, is the first to weigh in. He says that the kids have made it 5 days but they still have to go 35 more. Taylor and Anjay agree. Laurel, on the other hand asks the group if they’re really that heartless, that they could watch a chicken die. This coming from the girl who 2 minutes earlier claimed that chicken was her favorite meal.

DK, our resident black man, asks…and I quote…”How many of you have eaten chicken, or any kind of animal, at home? So what’s different now, are you in love with the chicken?” Clearly, he wants to eat some chicken. This is not at all surprising.

Emilie, 9, from Nevada, is quite anti killing. She claims that animals are friends and “people just don’t realize it.” I’m sure she writes some really meaningful journal entries about that when she’s sitting alone at her lunch table putting unicorn stickers on her Lisa Frank binder.

As a mini furor overtakes the crowd when the kids try to figure out how to kill the chicken, Resident Douche Greg speaks up. “Guys, guys…I’ve worked with a butcher for about a year, and I’ve butchered cattle, I’ve butchered pigs, I’ve butchered goats, I’ve butchered lambs, I’ve butchered turkeys, I’ve butchered chickens…” Christ, Greg, we get it. You’ve cut a lot of shit up. But this begs the question, what butcher has goat in his shop? Like, really. What the hell?

A vote confirms that 2 chickens are to die. Emilie informs the council that she will go home if they kill chickens. She and two others then run off to have the most haphazard, shitty protest in the history of protests. They scramble out of Town Hall and lock themselves in the chicken coup for a grand total of…ready?…ready?…drum roll please!!! 45 SECONDS! All together now: Emilie, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? What type of a protest was that? Very poorly planned. Downright disrespectful! Jesus, if we left it up to you, you wouldn’t even be able to vote in 9 years!

If Emilie had been in Tiananmen Square she would have stood in front of the tank for like 10 seconds and then realized that there was a sale at The Limited Too. A true visionary.

I mean, it was like the equivalent of when you run away from home when you’re like 9 and then realize how fucked you are with no supplies. It sucks. Unless of course you’re living out this scenario on a TV show. Then it’s a bit worse.

Jared(!!!), looking a lot like Jemaine from Flight of the Conchords, imparts these words of wisdom: “As Shakespeare would say, ‘To kill or not to kill, that is the question.’” Indeed it is.

While in the chicken coup, one girl asks Emilie if they’re going to hang the chickens like they did to Saddam Hussein. Seriously this happened. However, I wonder what CBS would do if grainy video leaked of Greg harassing a chicken while it was about to be hanged. PETA would be psyched.

CBS put this message on the screen as the chicken was brought to the chopping block: “Caution: The following scene may be intense for young children.” The irony of that is not lost on me.

“We sped up the natural cycle of life and death! We gave these two suckers a short cut!” – Jared

As she’s cleaning the chicken Sophia remarks that “This is the grossest thing I’ve done in my entire life.” You mean besides dancing for money to purchase a bicycle?

The kids end up making chicken noodle soup. It looked like Campbell’s Soup before you warm it up. Let’s leave it at that.

Back in her room, Emilie is still not pleased with the chicken killing. She’s clearly one of those girls who will skim through school claiming that guys just don’t know the real her and wouldn’t understand her anyway. Probably has a MySpace profile with a black background. Around age 14, she’ll join Amnesty International. Come her senior prom, she’ll be fighting potential dates off with a stick. You know, the type of girl everyone loves.


And…you know…

Argh. I wasn’t going to say this, but what the hell? I already make fun of kids for 1,500 words every week.

I’m just saying that maybe Emilie skipping a chicken dinner or two and having a salad isn’t such a bad idea.

There, I said it.

This week’s challenge to win class positions involves making water run through a series of PVC pipes. Greg claims he has worked with PVC pipes. What the hell career has this kid had? The prizes this week if the task is completed in under an hour are: automatic water pumps that never freeze and, a giant 45 foot heated water slide. Gotta lova ya, CBS. Sadly, the kids can’t all get it together and the task isn’t completed in time.

Here were the results: Upper Class: Blue Merchants: Red Cooks: Yellow Laborers: Green.

Green loses again. All the more proof that you can’t have a Ginger heading your operation. But I will let her give her take on the award challenge.

“Even though we lost the awahad it wahz so nice to see the town coming togethah as a community.” – Laurel

When host whose name I still haven’t learned asked Michael how he felt about losing he said “Well, it could be worse. I could live in Eithopia.” Yeah, or you could be out in the middle of the fucking desert with a bunch of stupid kids and no food because your parents didn’t love you enough not to exploit you for money.

I have to hand it to Greg, though. He’s been much less douchey this week. He’s been helping out around the town and really getting things done. I don’t like it. Mike thinks it’s because he wants to win the gold star. Mike really seems like the kind of kid who could capture Carmen Sandiego.


Emilie again locks herself in the chicken coup until Colton threatens to drag her out, pull out her toenails and hang her from the roof. The lesson? Don’t screw with Colton.

It’s then time, once again, to award the gold star. Like a Spector Jury, the council is deadlocked. 2 of them want to give it to Michael and 2 of them want to give it to Greg. The only thing really holding them back on Greg is that Michael keeps bringing up that he was only doing chores to get the gold star. But, if the chores get done…what’s the difference? I personally just think Michael’s trying to get back at Greg for getting all up in his grill last week. Hey, if you can’t beat someone, take their money. I, for one, wouldn’t be surprised if Michael removed his cowboy hat to reveal a yarmulke.

The other developing plot is whether or not Emilie is going to leave Bonanza City. As host guy asks for her decision at the meeting she decides to stay because her Mom told her to be a good little cow girl before she left…or, you know, something like that.

The star goes to Michael. Greg is PISSED. He starts acting like Biff Tannan (Mad Dog) in Back to the Future III. Being interviewed after the town meeting he says that he did “a hell of a lot more work than Michael, (and he thought not getting the star) was pretty disrespectful.” He then claims that he is “going to do something about it.” All that’s missing is him walking off into the sunset as Bon Jovi’s “Wanted Dead or Alive” plays.

Oh boy! I can’t wait for next week!

Lingering Questions/Comments:

-What will Greg do?

-Where do these kids shower? And I don't mean that in a creepy way…I mean literally all we've ever seen is toilets.

-Will Jared get a book deal?

-Do the kids get paid less if they leave early?

-Michael is such an ass kiss.

-Laurel. Chapstick.

-Kid Nation drinking game coming next week.





JIMMY, WE MISS YOU.

And, oh yeah, check out my website at //markzito.com or my radio show on Saturdays 12-3p on WJPZ 89.1 Syracuse.


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