So I've noticed that the word "douchebag" has been thrown around a lot lately. My issue here is that if you use the same word to describe everyone, that word eventually loses its meaning. Like "stupid jew". Or maybe that's just me
I decided to do some field research and create a "Scale O' Douche", to which you can refer when you're looking for that perfect way to describe the asshole who came to your party last night. Because we've all been confused. How big of a douche was he? Did he meet all classifications of douche or was he just slightly douchey in some aspects? No more will you be frustrated by the many, many douche bags of the world.
THE SCALE OF DOUCHE
This is the guy who sits somewhere towards the back of the classroom. He wears the same baseball cap and sweatpants every single day, and is usually drunk or hungover. He complains loudly to his friends that this class is "f*ucking gay" but he won't bother dropping it, because walking to the registrar's office that's three doors down is way too much effort.
The insufferable friend-of-a-friend who comes to every party you have, whether he's invited or not. Usually talks about sports and his addiction to Halo 3, but these comments are never interesting. Annoying, not funny and completely expendable. The first to pass out with his shoes on.
If you are wearing more than one collared shirt, a sideways visor, imitation bling, an armband and Abercrombie scent because you think it's gonna help you get some ass, you're a douche bag. Not only because you are completely mistaken, but also because you just don't get that joining a gym to meet chicks is about as useful as bringing over Schindler's List for date night.
Not only is this douche completely unaware at all times that he is such a douche, he mocks other people in public for having douche-y traits and/or qualities. He eats your food and doesn't do the dishes, then complains when the sink is filled. You may be a god at Wii, but that does not mean you need to play it incessantly.
Primarily consisting of pretentious assholes, this martini-swilling, modern-art loving, black berret wearing douche-rockets are found in big cities or the art districts of smaller cities, where the pretend that they live in a big city. Extra bonus points if they have an affected accent and mention Kafka like they personally knew the guy.
The ultra-douche is the type of guy who will sexile his roomate 8 times in a month without even offering to return the favor. He leaves disgusting mementos of his night of passion with the fat chick he picked up in the bar between the sheets-of his roomate's bed. He also "borrows" clothes and "borrows" beer out of your stash, both of which you never see again.
Borat Quoting Douche Bag
Congratulations. You're a Level 8 douche-bag. High five. Oh. And your wife? She's-a-douche bag too. You're not funny and you sound nothing like him. Shut up.
Do NOT come over to a party and demand a beer run. Then do not feel up someone else's girlfriend. And do NOT tell people that you are one of the Kennedy's. You are wearing imitation alligator shoes and a sport coat your mother picked out for you at Sears. Your belt does not match your pants and you have brought the mood down so far in the room that the music was actually turned down. I'm not actually interested in you. I'm just letting you look down my shirt while my friends steal your beer from behind you. You are belligerent and not entertaining. You have been banned from all future parties. This is a true story.
Captain Douche "Bags" McDouchebag of the Star Ship Douchebag
It is extremely difficult to achieve this level of douche-baggery. Anime kids, overly-enthusiatic Star Wars/Star Trek fans and band geeks fall into this category. Not because they're really that high on the douche scale, this is just the only way they can understand what you're saying.