As much of a surprise it may be to those who know me, I no longer smoke weed. That’s right, Phill Pappas, aka Philly Blunts, aka White Owl, aka Blunts Mcgoo no longer smokes weed. After nearly eight years of smoking weed all day every day, I stopped. There are good things and bad things about not being constantly high, and I would like to talk about some of my experiences.
Good: I have almost 65% of my memory back! Which is fuckin’ sweet. I have accepted the fact that I smoked all the brain cells that have to do with remembering a girls name, whether it’s at a party or at the library studying with her and she’s is in all of my classes, unless she blows me her name is gone instantly. However, I can remember where my keys are, and remember to wake up to do shit. These are both qualities that are a sweet addition to my daily life.
Good: I no longer have to tell my therapist that the reason I was late is because I lost my keys again, and when he asks me, “And why did you lose your keys Phill…?”
Bad:…I don’t get to yell at him, “BECAUSE I’M A STONER YOU FUCKING COCKSUCKER!
Good: looking at a menu in a restaurant is no longer as challenging as ‘deal or no deal.’ I personally feel that waitresses often pressure me to make a decision way too quickly. As a member of the race of ‘Idiots with ADHD’ I have enough trouble concentrating on the fact, while she’s asking me what I want to eat, that I want to shave her head, stick one side of Velcro all over her body, and start throwing her into things to see what she sticks to; or of the laws of magnetism. Honestly, this is Me at a restaurant without being stoned. Ordering when I was stoned created the same confusion for me like when you watch Ethiopian porn, you can’t tell whether they’re enjoying it…or dying.
Bad: Since I am the only one of my friends that doesn’t smoke herb anymore, I am now the official first option for buddies who are drug testing and want me to piss for them. Now usually, this wouldn’t be a problem, lord knows. My good friend bailed me out for eight months senior year of high school. It’s not the fact that I don’t want to help my friends, or think that I’m better than them because I no longer puff or some pretentious shit like that; it’s the fact that cats who are blazing a shit load and have an upcoming drug test are like the fucking KGB when it comes to making sure you haven’t smoked weed that day. My buddy who I will leave anonymous…Schlecte, was calling me three times daily to see if I had smoked weed that day and if I could drop for him the next week. After answering no and yes, respectively, the next five days of this I felt myself wanting to smoke herb for no particular reason except for the fact that I once again had someone telling me that I couldn’t smoke weed, and I hate him. It ended up getting ridiculous with drunk dials from him at 4:00am, when I have work that morning…

Me – “nothing man …sleeping”
Me – “Naw man I told you I don’t fuck with that anymore.”
Me – “Go fuck a hooker you asshole, leave me alone.

So that’s pretty much the pros and cons of quitting getting blunted. I can still find my keys, can’t remember girls name unless certain criteria is met, still hate my psychiatrist, still can’t order shit from any eatery with the confidence that I’m going to enjoy whatever the fuck just came out of my mouth. And Schlex… is still a deushbag, hahaha, I love that bastard but, my bad for smoking weed the night before you had to drop, it was out of spite. The main difference that I noticed is that it is just a little harder to be clean in a field of green.

NEXT WEEK: I Fed My Cat a Can of Diet Coke and 3 Mentos… Fuckin’ Amazing!