The Drunken Blog

Everybody knows baseball as an analogy for sex. At least, I thought everybody knows what the bases mean, until I brought it up in conversation as fact and I was questioned, “Well, what do you consider second base” they queried. I told them what second base was, but they didn’t agree.

I silently thought to myself, “But it’s second base, how do you not know what second base is?”

For the uninformed, I will list my bases, with which I think most of you will agree:

First base: Making out. Not a kiss on the cheek, but a heavy make-out session. There are no hard and fast rules for what constitutes a “heavy make-out session” and it probably varies based on your age. If you’re in middle school (for the love of God, why would you be reading this?!) a peck on the lips is probably first base for you. However, that won’t quite cut it down the line.

Second base: Maybe this is a bit sophomoric of me, but I still believe second base to be a good old fashioned boob groping. Under the bra – it has to be hand on skin. Anything else and it’s still only first base, but if you somehow manage to get in that awkward territory under the shirt but over the bra, I like to think of that as stealing second – you may be close, but you’re not quite there.

Third base: This is a pretty standard base, the one that you get to while you’re rounding the corner to score, which is of course, oral. It’s when he goes down on her, or she goes down on him. There’s really not much ambiguity there.

Home plate: This is the least ambiguous of any base; it’s scoring, hitting a homerun, etc. etc. This is having sex, simple as that.

The problems arise right off the bat with first base (sorry, I just can’t stop with the baseball analogies). Some of my friends don’t agree that in our old age that first base still consists of making out. They contend that first base is making out with a heavy petting session. I don’t disagree with the sentiment, but I don’t believe that the petting is a necessity to getting a base hit. I mean, after all, if you are making out, you certainly didn’t strike out. I had another friend that said that first base was a heavy make out session, but it also required some boob-grabbage. I personally think this is a little too far for first base, but it does make sense for his version of second base.

Now, the cycle that I have mentioned above does not include all of the sexual acts that are available, as that list would be nigh infinite, however, one of the more common sexual acts that this cycle omits is the hand job, the good old Hand J. My friend posits that second base is actually the HJ and third base is the BJ. Here is why I don’t agree.

The bases are a continuous cycle. Generally, one goes from first base, making out, to second base, boob grabbing, to third base, a BJ, to home. Sometimes overzealous people run directly from second to home, but generally the sexual bases follow a path. However, with my friend’s base system of second base being an HJ you lose the continuity. An HJ doesn’t lead anywhere, there’s no BJ after that, and certainly no sex. If you get a hand job, it’s a girl’s way of telling you “this is as far as we are going tonight, do not pass go, do not collect $200.”

This brings up the apt question: “When I am trying to compare my sexual endeavors to a game of baseball, how do express, in baseball terms, a hand job?” The simple answer is: you don’t. Why would you want to tell people that you got a hand job? That’s like admitting to them that you lost. But, I suppose if you press the issue and you’re really proud of your sexual prowess for receiving a hand job, you can call it a balk. A balk, for the uninformed is where you get to advance a base, but only because the pitcher messed up some procedure. Much like a hand job, you got somewhere, but it wasn’t by anything that you did. And like a balk, you get your one base, but you’re not getting anywhere after that. Additionally, the entire crowd is disappointed after a balk occurs, everybody is confused because they didn’t know that there was such a thing still in existence – it’s really a demoralizing occurrence.

Of course, something that I noticed was that this is all from the perspective of a guy. Perhaps the sports metaphor is just too much for women to grasp, or perhaps they simply don’t embrace it like men do, but by and large the bases are a male dominated field. When I was having this conversation with my friends there was a girl in attendance, but she refused to give her opinion on the women’s versions of the bases. So, as I like to say, in the absence of knowledge, there is the presence of makingthingsupness, and you can quote me on that. So I did what any professional blogger would do – I made something up based on a gut feeling with no factual evidence that I will present as fact.

Without further ado, here is the girl’s version of the cycle:

First base: Going to the bar and having a guy buy you a drink. You may think this seems silly, and hardly sexual, but hear me out. First of all, making out can’t define first base for girls. I’ve seen girls make out with other girls and they have no intention of going any further than that. Like I said before, the bases are all about continuity, one base leading to the next. If making out isn’t going to lead to anything else, it can’t be considered first base. However, when a girl goes to the bar and lets a guy buy her a drink- that is the first step on the way to something. It certainly doesn’t guarantee passage on to second base, but then again, there’s never a guarantee that you’ll get from one base to the next, anyway.

Second base: This involves letting a guy grab your boob. However, it can’t just be an incidental boob grabbing, there has to be a heavy make out session involved with it, and it has to be preceded by a drink-buying session for the female. The only reason I say there has to be making out involved is because without that it’s possible that it could just be a woman who got new breast implants and is walking around making men touch her boobs – that’s not second base. Now, you may say that women’s second base is pretty similar to the guy’s second base, but here’s the difference: in the guy’s second base, he is grabbing the boob. In the girl’s second base, she is letting her boob be grabbed; obviously a night and day difference.

Third base: In what may seem as a backwards step, third base for a woman is actually the guy buying dinner for her. You have to remember that all of the bases are simply steps that lead up to the end, which is scoring. So while the girl initially has the guys attention enough to have him buy her a drink as first base, she has to keep the interest going by letting him grab her boobs in second base, which leads up to third base where the sexual satisfaction really starts to come into play for the woman – dinner. I swear I have met some girls that get off on free dinners, nothing in the world excites them more than a free dinner, especially at a nice restaurant at the guy’s expense.

Home plate: Like I said, all the other bases are just a means to an end so while the women’s cycle may seem unconventional, it ends up leading to the same place that a man’s cycle ends up, which is, of course, marriage. Yes, scoring for a women has nothing to do with sex, just the opposite, in fact, it has to do with scoring a guy and then never having sex with him again.

I’m pretty sure this is why my female friend remained quiet the entire time we were discussing the base cycle for men – women are playing what seems like a foreign sport to men. While men are playing the baseball we all know and love, women are in A League of Their Own playing Base Wars.

And as a bonus, in this same conversation the topic of fifth base came up. I’ll try to recount the conversation as accurately as possible:

Jake: So, what’s fifth base, then?
Will: That’s just like first base again.
Me: Yea, except with a different orafice.