1. Ride the little electronic carts at the front of the store… Then when you're in front of other shoppers, conspicuously stand up and pick items off the shelves!

2. Walk up to perfect strangers and say, ˜Hi, I haven't seen you in ages.' See if they play along!

3. When 2 or 3 people are walking ahead of you, run between them and shout, ˜Red Rover!'.

4. Make up fake products, like ˜Poodykins', and earnestly ask employees where you can find them.

5. Follow mothers with children under the age of 12. When the mother lets the kid out of her sight, run up to the kid, take him by the hand, and walk out of the store!

6. You have to be very quick about this. If the child begins to question you, tell him his mother wanted him to come with you. If he begins to shout or cry and attract the attention of employees and customers, act like an exasperated parent and tell him to ˜stop acting up or he won't get dessert'. As stereotypical as it is, I have also found that giving them hard candy is extremely effective at getting the little fuckers to shut their mouths!

7. Despite the possible commotion, most passersby and the Wal-Mart greeters will assume that you are the child's parent. As long as the mother doesn't see you take the child, you should be able to make it out to your car without being physically accosted " liability laws make it difficult for Wal-Mart employees to stop you.

8. When home, skin the child and soak his hide in a curing agent. I would suggest a solution of 5 parts brine and 2 parts water. You may find this site helpful: //www.orgs.ttu.edu/leatherresearchinstitute/page4.html

9. Send me the child skins.

10. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift-wrap!