Nurse Practictioner: Typically a middle aged woman with short hair and a firm handshake, with or without glasses. She will be adorned in pink scrubs, a white lab coat, and a lapel pin of some type of cat. The nurse practitioner is a special type of woman because she is more ambitous than most women who settle for being a regular nurse, but not enough so to attend medical school. PROS: you usually don't have to wait as long for her to come see you, she has that motherly quality that you don't find in a doctor, and she lets you take a part in what her diagnosis is. CONS: often leads to more health center visits by referring you to a real doctor, has a tendency to doubt something is wrong with you,and if you are a male patient she can make you feel uncomfortable by referring to your penis as "Mr. Happy" or "Mr. Peepee". "How does this medication affect Mr. Happy?"

Stoner Doctor: Older male with long graying hair, mustache with no beard, and spectacles worn low on nose. Resembles Gandalf in khakis, a button up shirt, and tennis shoes that velcro. His lab coat will either have a galaxy themed pin on it or he will be wearing a stars and moon tie. You will feel very masculine shaking his hand because of his loose,passivegrip.PROS: Seems like a good listener, fairly liberal with the pain medicine and heavy duty cough syrups, and he will get your latest Family Guy/South Part allusion (PISS in my ASS!) . CONS: You will wait longer for this one because he gets sidetracked so easily, over-diagnosing due to paranoia, also he is high while he is sticking needles in you….

Creepy Doctor: Younger looking male doctor, not a gray hair in sight. Deep set eyes that shift from side to side and seem to bore a hole into you when he focuses. He will be in more professional attire: khakis, button up, loafers, and an extremely nice watch. No tie, but maybe a couple of chest hairs peeking out. Use Purell after the handshake. PROS: Knows his shit when it comes to medicine, uses big words like streptococcus pyogenes to make you know he knows what he's talking about, and he can get you well in less than a week. CONS: Propensity to swabbing the back of throats, has sweaty hands and likes to touch your face/neck/back with them, don't let your girlfriend go see him

Black Doctor: VERY FRIENDLY!!! Younger looking because he ages so well. Khakis, short sleeve polo and a nice clean pair of Nikes or Adidas. Keeps his lab coat clean and wears a gold wristwatch and several rings. He will come in with the forearem grab handshake combo. PROS: Will call you chief or big guy if you are taller than him, personable attitude using hip jive lingoto clown around and jones on haters and/or chickenheads with you, and if you are wearing a new pair of shoes, he will definately comment on them and it feels good to know SOMEBODY notices. CONS: His penis is bigger than yours.