Researcher: Paris Hilton
Date: 6/17/1994

Objectives: The objective of this experiment is to determine the effects that both legal and illegal drugs have on the human body. This will be completed by a series of self-experimentations. My results will be recorded in a diary after I have been detoxified from the drug. Although this method is completely unorthodox and extremely dangerous, I believe that this is the only method to conclude the negative impacts that these substances induce. I know that I am only thirteen years old and I am fully aware of the consequences that this experiment will entail. Isaac Asimov once said, "There is a single light of science, and to brighten it anywhere is to brighten it everywhere." With the results of this experiment, I plan on brightening this world just a little bit.

Data and Results:
Week 1:
I sat in bed for three hours Sunday morning. I questioned whether I should actually start the experiment. Am I strong enough to take this step for mankind? I sighed heavily and closed my eyes. When I opened them I gazed at the poster attached to my ceiling and there looking down on me was the famous Albert Einstein. Instantly, I sprung up and knew that at that very moment my journey was about to begin. After brushing my teeth, I ran downstairs and told the nanny that I had a splitting headache. She asked me if I would like some aspirin, I quickly said yes. She handed me a column of pills wrapped in foil and told me to give her a minute. As she shuffled through the cupboard I unwrapped the foil and then snuck three whole capsules. I sprinted to my room and shut the door.

After crying for an hour due to the agony I must have put the nanny through, I stared at those devilish pills.
"Why me?" I screamed, "Why must I be the bearer of this burden?"
I couldn't take looking at them anymore so I grabbed a Capri Sun out of my mini-fridge and placed each tablet on my tongue. While I swallowed them I felt the life drain out of me. Instantly, I went into a deep coma for six to seven hours. I woke up in a pool of my own vomit, feces, sweat, and tears. I was completely dehydrated, my bones ached, and my eyes were bulging. I then experienced a vivid hallucination.

A trollish looking figure brutishly stumbled into my room.
"Hello? Hello there? State your purpose." I exclaimed.
The creature then asked, "Would you like some Aspirin now?"
"No!" I shouted. "I can take no more. No more I say."
The hideous thing migrated closer and closer to me.
"No more? Oh darling, did those smarties worsen your headache? Are you sure you don't want some Aspirin?"
"Back beast! My body can't handle any more strain tonight." I answered while crawling away from the creature.
"Ok then…good night baby." The troll grunted as it turned on my night light and closed the door.

Later, while falling asleep, I knew I was not the same girl I was in the morning, just twelve hours earlier. I experienced my first high and I later realized that it was that of sugar. I have broken many a bone, chipped teeth, heard that bad sound when the teacher scrapes the board with chalk, but all of them combined don't even come close to the pure torture that the sugar put me through. I cried myself to sleep that Sunday night, something I assumed would be the norm from that day out…

(To be continued…)

Next installment:
Paris writes about her first social drinking experience.