If there is one thing college kids neglect the most, besides basic diet and hygiene, it’s the homework assignment essay. Hastily written and utterly unedited the night before it’s due, the modern essay has become something of a nightmare for lackadaisical college students. But writing an essay that seems like it was written by someone with more than a double-digit IQ is not nearly as difficult as it seems, I assure you.



Even the laziest Guitar Hero II god can whiz through an essay that reads like it was written by F. Scott Motherfucking Fitzgerald. What seems difficult and scary is actually as simple and accessible as you can want. All you really have to do is half-ass it. Unless you actually want to spend valuable time researching and penning a paper that’s only going to be skimmed over by some asshole assistant professor, you can follow these five simple steps on how to bullshit your merry way through any essay.



1)The introductory paragraph. Now, don’t panic about this simply because you think it’s the first thing you have to write. It isn’t. You can write an entire paper and come back to this at the end, copying and pasting sentences you’ve already written, and rewording them slightly to make it seem as if you’re a genius who planned the entire essay in your head well before you wrote it. We’ll know the truth, but the assistant prof won’t know the difference. Fuck him.



2)The thesis. I always laugh when I hear people complain about not being able to write a thesis. It couldn’t be simpler—you just make an argument that will be easy to support. That’s it. There’s no complicated formula for figuring out how to argue a thesis. You just think of something to say, and stick with it. Writing the thesis in a formal way is even easier than this, in that you don’t even have to say anything original or intelligent. These three magical words will make even the weakest thesis seem like an argument from God Himself: “I submit that”. Ka-pow! It’s not too forceful and no too weak. It strikes just the right humble, self-assured note,and doesn’t take any brainpower to alter slightly as needed. Example: “I submit that marijuana should be legalized because…” Simple.



3)Topic sentences. Jesus Christ, I can’t think of anything easier than topic sentences. Think of them as miniature theses that don’t matter as much as the original. All you have to do is reference what you’re preparing to write about. It’s like a half-ass title for your paragraph in that you don’t even really have to say anything factual. There are ways to avoid this little pitfall, like using words or phrases that are inherently meaningless—“statistically”, or “According to X expert on the subject”. Sometimes you can be clever with the topic sentence and say things like, “Theoretically, date rape is only a bad thing if she knows about it.” Then you write four or five sentences supporting this topic sentence. Get it? You didn’t say fucking anything, but it still seems as if you put an awful lot of thought into it.



4)In-text quotes and citations. This is where the true bullshit artist in everyone comes out. If you’re running low on things to say, or if House is coming on, you can just throw in a few quotes from various people that you may or may not have made up on the spot. As long as you have a legitimate source of these “ghost quotes”, you can pretty much say whatever the hell you feel like. This is especially useful if you’ve chosen a thesis that’s the dumbest fucking thing anyone has ever read—you lead them in thinking that they’re reading a load of nonsense, and then BAM! You nail them with a quote by some expert on the subject that perfectly mirrors your thesis. Everybody hates to be wrong, though, so you’ll have to get clever with it and not use famous names. Don’t make any names up, either, because one single click on Google can fuck your shit right on up.



5)The conclusion. This is where you set the essay on coast and just drift on through until the end. Sure, it’s the end of the paper and the part that people are most likely to remember, but so what? What’s so vital about it? You’ve already written your conclusion, son! I wouldn’t lie to you. Just look at your thesis—it’s all right there. Just reword it slightly, copy and paste a few of your less-stupid passages, and that’s fucking IT.



Slap some page numbers on that bitch and load a bowl—your essay is done.