Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
Point-Counterpoint: Who's A Puppy?
October 12, 2007
Who's a puppy? Is it you? Is it? Hmm? Is hims a puppy? I think you are! Yes you are! Yes! Who's mommy's sweet little angel? A-boo-boo-doo-boo-doo-boo!
Yes! Ohh come here snookums and give mommy a big kiss! Oh, hims just wuvs giving mommy kisses, doesn't hims? You do, don't you! I think you do! Ooh-boo-doo-boo-boo-boo!
Has hims been a good boy today? Ohh, yes you have, mommy's little darling! Are you a puppy? Are you! Ohhh, yes you are! Hims is mommy's bundle of joy! Good boy! Good boy! Who's-a-doo-boo-boo-boo-doo-boo?
Oh dear lord, she's back. Please, someone kill me. If this crazy bitch ever let me out of her sight I'd get hit by a car so fast. For cryin' out loud lady, of course I'm a puppy! Yes! It's me! You figured it out Sherlock, whoopty-fuckin-doo!
Oh, I'm your "sweet little angel" huh? A dog is not a replacement for children. Why do I have to suffer because no one's wanted to stuff you in like 10 years? I wonder what men find so unappealing about a middle-aged secretary who eats soup out of a coffee cup and shops at Lane Bryant. Why don't you tackle that mystery? And while you're at it, can you not refer to me as "hims" please? That's not a word, even I know that and I'm a dog. You suck.
The only positive part about your infatuation with me is knowing that I can lick my ass, eat garbage, and in general have poor dental hygiene and you gladly let me lick your face. I'm a dog, lady! Me licking you is not a kiss, it's in fact probably very unsanitary for you! And now she starts with the nonsense talk. I'm going to find some chocolate to eat tomorrow and just shit everywhere. You'll probably actually give me extra attention or something if I did that, so nevermind.
God do I hate you.
Have I been a good boy today? I don't know, you be the judge. Let's see, I shed all over your bed and farted probably a dozen times on your pillow. Then I knocked over the garbage and tried to find something sharp to cut myself on. After humping your expensive throw pillows, I discretely urinated on your shoes. I really enjoy doing that.
I find it hilarious that when I finally die you will be stricken with grief but if you died I would honestly piss on your corpse and drop a steamy deuce on your face. I don't know what I look forward to more, your death or mine. Either way, I will be freed from the hell that is my life with you. Kindly go fuck yourself.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.