A small group of friends and family stand around a kitchen in an apartment talking.

Tom: I hope Mike appreciates what we're doing for him.
Scott: I think even if he doesn't appreciate it now, he will understand eventually.
Ellen: Oh my God you guys. Look who's here!
Tom: Phil? Oh no. Who invited him?

Phil approaches Tom, Scott, and Ellen.

Phil: Oh man, it's been a while. Ellen you're looking hot.
Ellen: Hi Phil.
Phil: I mean…hot considering you just had a kid. I mean seriously can I park my car on those stretch marks? Zing.
Scott: Phil, what are you doing here?
Phil: Oh man, quite the welcome committee over here. I'll let it slide since I know you're probably still sore over the time I banged your little sister.
Scott: What? You know my little sister died in a tragic car accident.
Phil: Oh it was way before that, I swear. Zing! Listen, is there any food here? Someone said there would be food.

Just then Mike walks into the apartment.

Mike: Guys? What's everybody doing here?
Tom: Mike, take a seat.
Mike: I don't understand. Mom? Dad? Aunt Rita? What is this?
Tom: This is an intervention Mike. Everybody here cares about you and just wants to help you get better. But the first step is recognizing that you have a problem.
Phil: You know what your problem is? You're not wasted right now. Seriously, a good bottle of jack always helps me get over a tough day.
Tom: OK, seriously Phil. You're not helping.
Ellen: Mike, it's not just your drinking. You've had a substance abuse issue for a while now too. You blew half your life savings on cocaine. $50,000 Mike!
Phil: Woah, I guess you were really paying through the nose huh big guy?
Ellen: Shut up Phil!

Mike: Guys, I know I have a problem. But it hasn't been easy these past few months.
Phil: Yeah, I bet you're having a pretty hard time ever since what's-her-name left you. God, she was gorgeous. What was her name again? Glenda? No, Brenda. Yeah that it's. I remember because she had it tattooed on her lower back when I was railing her just before she walked out on you.
Mike: What? You slept with my wife?
Phil: Woah woah. It was much more than that.
Mike: What do you mean?
Phil: I tried to save your marriage man. I told her you two should start getting high together. She was all, "Yeah, we'll try that. Thanks Phil." I thought I was helping you man.
Mike: You're the reason she brought drugs into this house?!

Tom: OK, you know what? Phil, I think you should leave.
Phil: No, I think you should leave! You've been totally unfun ever since you got diagnosed with cancer man. The old Tom and Scott wouldn't be trying to get Mike to quit drinking, they'd be taking bets on what time he'd blackout and starting pools on who Mike would puke on.
Tom: Phil, we're 45 years old.
Phil: And the Ellen I used to know wouldn't be such a fun-hating worry wart. She'd be topless on a bar somewhere in New Orleans trying to see who she has to blow to score some herb.
Ellen: You're a creep Phil.
Phil: And Mrs. Flannery, remember all those times Mike used to drive us home drunk, he'd pass out and I'd rail you til morning because Mr. Flannery was on a "business trip?"
Mr. Flannery: What?
Phil: What I'm trying to say, is that everyone here needs to just lighten up.

Tom: Yeah, seriously. You…should go.
Phil: Then I bid you adieu. But before I go I must say that while it may be true that the unexamined life is not worth…

Mike's mother hits Phil over the head with a metal bat. Everyone cheers and then stares at the lifeless body on the ground.

Tom: I don't think he's breathing.
Scott: Are you gonna be OK man?
Mike: Yeah, yeah I think I'm gonna be just fine. Just fine. I'm gonna quit drinking and drugs.

Phil lifts his head up from the pool of his own blood.

Phil: Pussy.