The intramural flag football playoffs are in full swing and teams are battling it out to determine who is the university’s best. This is truly the test that separates true champions from just plain losers. I myself have partaken in a few intramural activities, but unfortunately have thus far fallen into only the latter category. Because of the magnitude of this occasion, I have decided to temporarily set my bitterness aside and provide an analysis. Not of the teams (c’mon, you really think I have that much time?), but of the players. In my experiences in the league the last two years, I have determined that almost every player falls into one of a few distinct categories:

The Wannabe: Has he mentioned yet that he played football in high school? Well, he didn’t actually play, but he was on the roster, even if he was just listed as a manager. I mean, he still traveled with the team, so that counts for something, right? He may be a senior, but he’s still got a hold on his high school coach’s playbook and is insistent on running a play action offense. Who cares if it didn’t work? Stick to the game plan! No, he’s not the only one on the field with wide receiver’s gloves on, but he is the only one with gloves, full body Under Armor, a towel in his waistband and a playbook on his wrist. Value to the team: -12 pts.

The Frat Guy: Yeah, they’re usually in the fraternity league, but believe it or not, occasionally this sickness spreads to the other leagues as well. You know the guy I’m talking about: he’s the only one on the field who put gel in his hair after putting on his headband. Yeah, it might only be 45 degrees outside, but you really think he’s going to wear a shirt with sleeves and hide those guns? You’ve got to be kidding me. Sure, he’s got an athletic build, but apparently the hours in the gym and questionable substance intake didn’t actually contribute to performance on the field. Value to the team: -6 pts.

The Good Guy: “Nice play,” he says as the defender knocks the ball down, simultaneously kneeing the receiver in the groin and elbowing him in the temple on purpose. “Good defense.” You really can’t get in this guy’s head! The sportsmanship is appreciated, but show a little fire once in a while! You would think that a dislocated shoulder would knock the smile off his face! Nice try… but you’ll have to do better then that. Value to the team: +12 pts. (and good sportsmanship ratings)

The Natural: Seen that one “Hardy” guy on the football team? Yeah, well, apparently he has a white twin brother. This guy’s 6’6’’, runs a 4.2 forty, a 36’’ vertical, and better hands than T.O. It really doesn’t matter who’s guarding him; it’s like playing a game of jackpot with a group of Oompa Loompas and Dikembe Mutombo. Who do you think is going to win? Just hope you don’t have to play against him: quadruple teaming doesn’t work, and if it does, the fat guy will run for 130 against you. Value to the team: +24 pts.

The Schmoes: Who knew that flag football was taken this seriously? People honestly have playbooks? I thought this league was for students, not Arena Football stars… I really have to guard that guy? What’s flag-guarding? Man, maybe I shouldn’t have signed up in League I… Value to the team: +0 (Hope for a forfeit)