5. First of all, we need to figure out wha makes other American sports, like soccer and football, popular. It's the extra attractions…duh. Football has dibs on the cheerleaders. Baseball's got the 7th inning stretch. The MLS needs to become more original. Thankfully, there's the perfect solution. Has anyone read that article about a wild horse who was tamed by being taught to play soccer? Let's get a horses-chimpanzees match during halftime. The horses have extra long feet…ideal soccer players, and mokeys really know how to use their heads. The winner can become the mascot of the championship team.

4. The MLS is rather dumb for playing most of its games on Saturdays and Thursdays, in the summer nevertheless. But if they only made them on Tuesdays, they'd attract the college students! think about it…On Friday the student parties. On Saturday he watches college football in the afternoon and parties more at night. On Sunday it's football time, NFL style..afternoon AND night. On Monday… Monday night football…need i say more? Now this student has a big paper for Thursday. he's gonna do it all on Wednesday. What will he do on Tuesday to eep procrastinating? thankfully with a good soccer match on, he or she will find a perfecr way to spend the time by finding out that, contrary to popular belief, cards don't represent a stoplight since there is no green card.

3. You know what attracts an audience? Crazy celebrations. The NFL is dumb for fining players who perform them. The MLS should do the opposite…PAY the players to celebrate! I mean, come on! Look what kind of stuff the European players are pulling off! Warning to Bengals fans…don't vote for this move, as Chad Johnson will hang up his shoulder pads and helmet and put on a long pair of socks. If he can outrun a horse, surely he can split a couple of defenders, right?

2. Get old players who were once superstars into the MLS. This is a biggie! Becks is a good start, but spends more time posing for tabloids than actually practicing. We need a player under the radar who everyone knows! I want to see Ronaldo in the MLS! Owners, I don't care what you do…kiss the player's feet and pledge allegience to the Brazilian flag if you have to, but get these superstars here!

1. I mean seriously, imagine how many football converts the MLS will get when instead of watching people tackling each other, they see Zinedine Zidane headbutting players! And you know what's great? Those players don't even wear a helmets!

Oh and by the way, if the MLS implements my fiendly suggestins and soccer becomes the new American national pasttime…like in the overwhelming majority of the world…expect me to initiate a coup and take over as commissioner.