What did we learn this episode? Cheese, apples, and homeopathic anti-depressants go great together in a pie! Even older women have cleavage (Yuck There were Asians who fought for the confederacy! Ned wants to be a Jedi! Emerson and Olive both want Chuck dead and gone! Saran Wrap can be used as a kissing condom! And the best line of the episode, “Beaver Boy loves his pie!”
I’m trying to get over my “this show is for chicks” issues, but each week there’s more evidence that points to the truth, like:
- The commercials (vacuums, children’s toys, Extreme Makeover Home Edition) are geared toward women.
- The romantic bon mot between Ned and Chuck could melt an Amazon woman’s heart.
- My menstruation is linking up with other women's in the neighborhood.
The narrator is also back to re-introduce us to all the characters and what’s going on again. “Here’s Ned. He brings back dead people. Here is another explanation of how his powers work.” I appreciate that they’re trying to explain things to the new viewers who may be hopping on the ghost train, but I’m going to get annoyed with this pretty soon. I mean, what other shows would get away with constantly explaining how things work? “This is Jeopardy! Tonight, Alex Trebek has bribed the producers to put in a category involving lots of fancy French words so he can sound smarter than he actual is and talk down to some perfectly normal people!” At least this week the narrator’s explanation of Young Ned and his powers was shorter. Hopefully next week it’ll be limited to “Ned touches people. They come back to life,” and then done away with altogether.
The case this week had something for everyone. Ned has to prove he was innocent in the death of gigantic funeral director Laurence Schatz, as in “Died while he Schatz himself.” Chuck wants in on the duty to make amends with the fact that fatty died so she could live. And Emerson wants that sweet, sweet bling. And because the produces haven’t forgotten about us dudes, there’s more cleavage, although some of it includes the two fat funeral directors (bringing the cleavage count up to a whopping 8 boobs).Chuck hates the idea of someone having to die so she may live, but forgives Ned when she meets the fat thief, who just happens to have a golden watch given to her by her also-killed-by-Ned father. The golden watch, buried with two people, rivals Butch’s golden ass watch from Pulp Fiction as the weirdest cherished family heirloom in some time.
Chuck’s crazy aunts return to grieve some more over their dead niece. Chuck finds a way to cheer them up by baking them a cake stuffed full of drugs provided by Olive’s wooer. Okay, I understand she’s trying to be nice, but how does Chuck know this random drug dealer/Olive-stalker isn’t just selling heroin in a bottle? Actually, that sounds about right: Chuck is feeding her aunts heroin. Aunts Lily and Vivian (who unfortunately brings the cleavage count up to 10) seem to like the pie, though, and so does Olive when she eats a slice with them. But while visiting the aunts, Olive learns that Chuck and Ned have history. Lots of history. You can almost see her cackle with evil as she plans some sort of revenge against her rival. Or maybe she won’t be evil. She has to be, though! Right? I don’t know! What do you think, evil or not evil?
When things seem to be going better and everyone is at peace with the fat funeral director’s death, the fat funeral director’s brother, also a fat funeral director, turns up dead, too, and the murder is going to be pinned on Ned. Emerson, Ned, and Chuck somehow evade the police and drive a gigantic dead guy three towns over to a funeral home. So let me get this straight: I get pulled over for having an air freshener “obstructing my view” and they can drive away with a half-ton corpse? I just have to remind myself that it’s a fairy tale.Waiting for Ned at the funeral home is an Asian southerner, Wilfred Woodruff, who is the descendant of a famous Asian confederate solder. Instead of talking about defying stereotypes, however, Woodruff tries to kill Ned with his grandfather’s sword from the Civil War. Speaking of stereotypes, the Asian guy knows how to wield a sword, thereby making him a ninja. Granted, a ninja in a John Deere hat, but a ninja nonetheless. When Ned seems about to die, all I could think about was how he’d have to touch himself to come back to life. Then I laughed at the thought of a dead Ned touching himself. Then I stopped thinking about Ned touching himself and called my therapist. During their moderately epic sword fight, Ned reveals he aspired to be the only thing a pasty white guy can be who could hope to fight a ninja—a freakin’ Jedi. As all you nerds know, Jedi beats ninja like rock beats paper.
So the episode ends with Emerson deciding to lose some weight after being compared to Winnie the Pooh, Olive ignoring the perfectly nice and potentially well-connected drug warlord, and Ned and Chuck deciding to get freaky with some Saran wrap covering their naughty bits. Things get wrapped up in a nice little package that also contains many family heirlooms that are sent to the deceased. If you’re wondering why a package arrives tomorrow with a dildo in it, just remember that’s what your grandma asked to be buried with. I wouldn’t touch it though, Grandma was a freak.Random Thoughts:
- We now know for sure that with whatever Ned brings back to live, something of comparable value dies. So if he brings back a peach, a flower will die. If it’s a person, another person must die. And if he brings back a prostitute, nothing will die since we all know hookers are worthless.
- Ned and Chuck need to stop standing so close together. Every time they nearly brush arms, I cringe a little bit. See the above menstruation explanation as to why.
- If Aunt Vivian launches into a version of “Suddenly Seymour,” I’ll probably have to turn off the show.
- Olive needs to get laid, and if neither Ned nor Digby is up for the challenge, I am.