It’s time to wave the orange flag and go to Bonanza City! Yup, that’s right…Kid Nation on CBS!
Let’s get started…
-Olivia says that nobody really listens to Anjay as a leader. Oh, really? You mean no one takes the leader that does no actually leading seriously? Odd.
-I’ve noticed something interesting: Everyone’s lips are chapped except Taylor. I don’t know what this means.
-The Council reads the journal, and it tells them that they need to have elections. Anjay’s first remark following this discovery? “I’m screwed.” Yes, you are you giant douche.
-Taylor doesn’t like her prospects either…she looks like somebody took her out of her room, killed her in her basement and was never caught.
-Let me tell you what’s a bad sign if you’re a leader. If you announce reelection and you’re town has a collective orgasm, you’re probably not doing such a good job.
-That time Mike chose a microwave for the town and stepped out under that "Mission Accomplished" banner isn’t looking so great now.
-The Green Team decides to not hold elections and keep Laurel as their leader. She’s so happy she could almost kiss everyone! But, disease is already too widespread in Bonanza City for the producers to allow that.
-Anjay needs to be alone, he says. I wonder if he’s going to meditate. You know, he’s like a miniature Buddha…covered in shit from the food fight the kids had earlier. Regardless of his wishes, Olivia informs him that she’s running against him. Anjay tells her to shut up. I imagine this is sort of what interactions between Hilary Clinton and Barack Obama are like.
-We then learn that a kid I’ve never heard, of named Guylan wants to run against Mike. From what he tells us, he’s home schooled which means he’s really good at Magic: The Gathering and could probably win the National Spelling Bee. He’s probably President of his class, and I’m sure his Mom definitely cuts the crusts off his bread. Pussy. Also, he sort of looks like Slash.
-Taylor asks if anyone wants to oppose her. The following is a list of people who thought they would be a better leader than Taylor: Jimmy Carter, Hitler, The Asian Lady who hosts Big Brother, Cuba Gooding Jr. (playing the part of Radio), John Wilkes Booth, Gallagher, The Autistic Kid That Made All Those 3 Pointers, and last, but not least, Dennis Kucinich. And, oh yeah, Zach.
-Zach verbally mushroom slaps Taylor with his speech.
-Mike tells Guylan that being a council member isn’t as easy as Guylan thinks. Mike also notes that Guylan “seems to follow so easily”…so how could be a good leader? This is probably news to Guylan who has always been the coolest kid in his class.
-We did find out one thing this week…apparently the kids of Bonanza City brush their teeth with cocaine. Sophia just rubbed this white shit all over her mouth and spit it out. This would have been the coolest sequence of events ever if the next shot was Jared laying in his bunk smoking a cigarette.
-This week’s challenge involves busting open a bunch of pinatas. There are 300 pinatas, and some of them hold pictures of U.S. Presidents. The teams must get 7 pictures and put them in historical order.
-Alex (the kid with the big tooth) has a problem hitting the pi? open. Just bite the fucking thing!
-I’m surprised Sophia isn’t riding a around with a “Taylor’s Last Day” bumper sticker on her bike.
-The Green Team and Yellow Team both finish at the same time and it’s a race to the bell. Laurel stiff arms Taylor, which isn’t fair because she has a longer leg span in the first place…but Taylor’s a bitch, so I’ll allow it.
-Meanwhile, Jared strikes out trying to hit the pinata. Hopefully this will not become a reoccurring theme with him and the ladies. Ah, what am I worried about? Our man’s a friggen’ pimp.
-Even though Green got to the bell first, they had their order wrong, so…Yellow is the Upper Class! Kudos to Zach for knowing the order of the pictures. Green are the merchants. Red comes in third, and the Blue Team are your new laborers. Also, they finish in time to win a reward!
-The choices? Either a party with a whole bunch of ribs and barbeque or a visit to a senior center!!! Okay, I’m kidding about the last one…but after the religious books bullshit, you never know. The real choices are the BBQ or tooth care equipment.
They end up choosing the tooth brushes…which was probably the right move. The town isn’t happy, and neither is Jared. Are we sure the barbeque was even kosher?
-The kids make signs to promote their campaigns. Markelle talks about how much he hates Taylor, and rips down her sign. In a truly defiant move, he jumps on top of it with a pogo stick. I don’t have a joke here, but let’s just say this isn’t the first time an African-American has caused political discourse.
The little girl who made the posters FREAKS OUT. Luckily, Greg is there to console her. You know when the high school senior gives the freshman his letterman jacket? Yeah, it’s kind of like that.
-The council again meets to decide who should win the gold star. Christ, Greg is like the Susan Lucci of the gold star. He makes it to the top two, but then loses to Zac-WAIT!!! HOLY SHIT! BY GAWD! BY GAWD! GREG HAS WON THE GOLD STAR!!!!!!
Blue Election: Anjay: 7 Olivia: 3 REALLY BLUE TEAM? REALLY?
Red Election: Guylan: 9 Mike: 1 – Wow. Congratulations Mike on being the new George McGovern. It’s quite a kick in the balls when your only vote is your own. Mike, of course, cries like a bitch. Also, please note that in his Kid Nation Bio, Guylan list Fidel Castro as his favorite leader. Christ.
Yellow Election: Zach: 5 Taylor: 4 – What, did you really think a woman was going to win an election? C’mon! Besides, and I’ve been waiting weeks to say this…Taylor is a total Conniving Undesirable Nothing Twat. Or, if you need an acronym…well, you know…spell it out. Deal with that.
(Oh my God, I just called a 10 year-old the c-word.)
And, on that note…goodbye from Bonanza City.
Jeez, only 1,000 words this week? I must be getting soft. Or, maybe, it’s just time for midterms.
Next week: Taylor kicks Anjay in his non-existent balls.
Don’t forget to JOIN THE JARED FACEBOOK GROUP. Invite all of your friends.
And, oh yeah, check out my website at //markzito.com or my radio show on Saturdays 12-3p on WJPZ 89.1 Syracuse.