This originally appeared at EasyOnTheIce.com on August 29, 2007.

So I wanted to try something. I don't know if you've seen rap translations where rap lyrics are translated into plain English – the results are often hilarious. I decided to make one myself as an example. Generally, the worse and more new slang-ridden the song, the funnier the translation is but I decided to use a fairly intelligible song to start with that I enjoy. After this translation is where the real experiment starts. Can you successfully translate cheesy plain English lyrics into rap lyrics? I can't think of a better genre of song to attempt this with than late 80's/early 90's family sitcom theme songs. So here we go…

2pac – Wonder Why They Call U

You wonda why they call U bitch.
You wonda why they call U bitch.
You wonda why they call U bitch
You wonda why they call U bitch.
You wonda why they call U bitch
You wonda why they call U bitch.

You’re curious as to why people refer to you negatively

Look here Miss Thang
hate to salt your game
but yous a money hungry woman
and you need to change.

Excuse me, Miss. If I may be so bold as to interject, I don’t mean to be out of place but it is my opinion that you are a tad greedy and what’s more is that you use unsavory methods to obtain your income. Please amend your behavior accordingly.

In tha locker room
all the homies do is laugh.
High five's cuz anotha nigga
played your ass.

In common areas where males cohabitate and discuss current events, such as a locker room, the people are jovial. They tend to dance and rabble-rouse as one of them celebrates a singular night of copulation with you.

It was said you were sleeezy
even easy
sleepin around for what
you need

Some say that your actions and reputations precede you in a negative way. One example being that you take company in the arms of strangers in exchange for favors.

See it's your thang
and you can shake it how you wanna.
Give it up free
or make your money on the corner.

A woman’s body is her temple to decorate and house guests as she pleases, whether she takes in guests or charges them as tenants is at her discretion.

But don't be bad and play the game
get mad and change.
Then you wonda why these muthafuckas
call you names.

You need not participate if you prefer not to. However, if you do decide to participate, do not get upset and redact your previous statements/actions. This will result in the slandering of your once good name.

Still lookin' for a way out
and that's OK
I can see you wanna stray
there's a way out.

I’ve noticed you seem uneased and wish to depart from your current setting. There are many paths you can take that are acceptable.

Keep your mind on your money,
enroll in school.
And as the years pass by
you can show them fools.

Be careful with your finances and put education first. In the future you can illustrate your growth to those who doubted you.

But you ain't tryin' to hear me
cuz your stuck,
you're headin' for the bathroom
'bout to get tossed up.

You are stubborn. That’s not what restrooms are used for.

Still lookin' for a rich man
you dug a ditch,
got your legs up
tryin' to get rich.

Your desire to find a man of wealth but it seems your previous actions have been counterproductive to that pursuit. Yet, you use these same actions that has earned you so much scorn to provide you with what you seek.

I love you like a sista
but you need to switch
and that's why they called
U bitch, I betcha.

My affection for you is undaunted but I implore you to act like a lady. This is why people refer to you negatively.

You wonda why they call U bitch.
You wonda why they call U bitch.
You wonda why they call U bitch
You wonda why they call U bitch.
You wonda why they call U bitch
You wonda why they call U bitch.

You’re curious as to why people refer to you negatively

You leave your kids with your mama
cuz your headin' for the club
in a skin tight miniskirt
lookin' for some love.

Your children will be looked after by their grandmother while you head for social gatherings in attire designed to attract the attention of suspect characters.

Got them legs wide open
while you're sittin' at the bar
Talkin' to some nigga
'bout his car.

Your posture has something left to be desired as you sit in front of a station that dispenses alcohol as you converse with a young gentleman about the automobile he operates.

I guess he said he
had a Lexxxus, what's next?
You headin' to his car for some sex

The gentleman has informed you that he drives a luxury automobile. This pleases you. Is your next action to accompany him to said automobile for intimacy?

I pass by
can't hold back tears inside
cuz, lord knows
for years I tried.

Upon my visits, the state of affairs in which I find you causes sadness. The deity I believe in has knowledge of my efforts.

And all the other people
on my block hate your guts
Then you wonda why they stare
and call you slut

Your neighbors seem to cast you out. Perhaps you are not aware of this fact. Perhaps you are curious as to why they pierce holes into your soul with their eyes and question your character openly.

It's like your mind don't understand
you don't have to kill your
dreams ploten'
schemes on a man

It is as though you have little to no retention. Your aspirations need not be hindered or halted by alternate courses of action involving males.

Keep your head up, legs closed, eyes open
either a nigga wear a rubber or he die smokin'
I'm hearin' rumors so you need to switch
and niggas wouldn't call you bitch, I betcha.

Stay positive, pristine and aware. These gentlemen will take the appropriate measures to protect themselves or meet their demise by their own carelessness. As for you, people have informed me of things I have not yet verified but in any case if you altered your actions, people would not speak negatively of you. I’d make a friendly wager with you to illustrate my confidence in my previous statement.

You wonda why they call U bitch.
You wonda why they call U bitch.
You wonda why they call U bitch
You wonda why they call U bitch.
You wonda why they call U bitch
You wonda why they call U bitch.

You're curious as to why people refer to you negatively

I guess times gettin' hard
even harder for you
cuz, hey now, got a baby
on the way now

It seems my previous advice has fallen on deaf ears and things have gotten worse. You are carrying another child.

More money from the county
and thanks to the welfare
you're about to
get your hair done.

At least this will increase your governmental aid which you will misappropriate to improve your physical appearance.

Got a dinner date
can't be late
trick or treat, sweet thang
got anotha trick to meet.

You’re dining with another gentleman and punctuality is imperative. Is this gentleman the future father of your children or something else? Probably something else.

The way he did it
it was smooth
plottin' while he gamin' you
So baby, peep tha rules.

This gentleman was particularly persuasive and deceptive. He played the game better than you did. Please review.

I shoulda seen it in the first case
the worst case
I shoulda never called you back
in the first place.

It’s my own fault really. I should have given you fair warning of the dire implications this evening held. At any rate, our friendship is escaping my understanding at this point.

I remember back in high school
baby you was fast
straight sex
when u move your ass.

I believe it was in secondary school we met. You were a vision that many beheld. You evoked impure thoughts with gyrations.

But now things change
cuz you don't look the same
let the ghetto get the best of you
baby, that's a shame

But that was long ago and your appearance is not the demure image it once was. It has fallen victim to your surroundings, woe is me.

Caught HIV and now you 'bout to be deceased
and finally be in peace.

You've been infected and will soon parish. Perhaps then you will finally rest well.

So where your niggas at now
cuz everybody left
they stepped
and left you on your own

Where have all your suitors gone to? It appears they have strayed and abandoned you due to the negative impact you had on their lives.See I loved you like a sista
but you died to quick
And that's why we called U bitch, I betcha.

My affection for you was undaunted but I could not save you from your, albeit, early fate. That is another reason people spoke of you negatively. I would make a friendly wager to illustrate my confidence in my previous statement.

You wonda why they call U bitch.
You wonda why they call U bitch.
You wonda why they call U bitch
You wonda why they call U bitch.
You wonda why they call U bitch
You wonda why they call U bitch.

You’re curious as to why people refer to you negatively

Dear Ms. Deloris Tucker
keep stressen me
fuckin' with a muthafucken mind
I figured you wanted to know
you know
why we call them hos bitches
and maybe this might help you understand
it ain't personal
strictly business baby
strictly business

I have directed my attention to another female, one who happens to be of high status. You appear to enjoy scolding me and attempting to invade my brain. I thought it only right to explain myself; especially in regards to why I have had such a slanderous tongue as late with respect to the female gender and their less than exemplary members. The preceding was an effort to explain my perspective. Please do not misunderstand, I hold no ill will toward you or the portion of the population you represent. I am just a working man trying to make ends meet.

So If you wonder why we call U bitch
You wonder why we call U bitch
If you wonder why we call U bitch
You wonder why we call U bitch

I hope I have satisfied your curiosity as to why people refer to you negatively

Theme from Growing Pains

Show me that grill one mo, show me that grilllllQuit actin' like a triflin bitchWe just at the jump of this stilllllllGet this shit started, this is jus' the switch Uhhhhhh, you my nigga and you in deepWe takin' over the game take a seatHey fam, this shit is gettin' steepHot hands , son. Keepin' heat!This is how we do, take thatWe still rollin', through all the trick shitLet it raaaaiiiin, we just lay back

We still fam and we still eatin' grits kid.

Full House Theme

What ever happened to predictibility?
The milkman, the paperboy, evening TV.

Bring back that shit from when we was comin’ up, mo fuckas used to come to the porch and fill our cup

Everywhere you look , everywhere you go (there's a heart).
There's a heart
A hand to hold onto.E’rrything I see, E’rrywhere I roll, niggas got my back (where you at)

Throw for whateva, ready for that smack

Everywhere you look , everywhere you go.
There's a face
Of somebody who needs you.

E’rrything I see, E’rrywhere I roll, Bitches layin back

Ya’ man’s in high demand

Eveywhere you look,
When you're lost out there and you're all alone,
A light is waiting to carry you home,
Everywhere you look.
Everywhere you look.

E’rrything I see, fuckin marks steppedFind that subway train to throw me homeE’rrything I seeE’rrything I see

Any lack of authenticity in the second and third songs are due I'm white.. Anyway, I think I've illustrated it can pretty much only go one way, damn.