Welcome back, internet readers. How was your weekend? Just kidding, no one cares. Now get ready for your weekly dose of the best show on TV. Don't think so? That's fine, everyone's entitled to their opinions, except for when they're wrong like yours are. We pick back up in week three of the manhunt for the Bay Harbor Butcher, which if you’ve never seen the show is in fact the main protagonist, Dexter. But if you’ve never watched this show, why are you stupidly reading this article?
I'm serious. We’ll wait.
Okay, now that those assholes are gone, I have to say that Vince Masuka is –dare I say it– the best character on the show. (Except for maybe Dexter.) I absolutely cannot wait for Masuka’s spin-off once this show eventually comes to an end. It could maybe document his Miami social life and crude, inappropriate sexual harassment. The best part would be at the beginning of each episode: “Last time on ‘Masuka' . [45-second montage of him getting slapped by random women.]" Think about it, Showtime.
To take his mind off of the possibility of the death penalty, Dexter heads over and talks to Lila the hot foreign lady, and they go steal things from people’s yards. What a bad influence she is.
Meanwhile, Rita’s mom is in town visiting and she’s already evil, much like all girlfriend’s mothers. I enjoy how she hates Dexter but likes the Bay Harbor Butcher. The writers must have had a pleasant circlejerk over whoever wrote up that script.
In other news, it’s official: Esmee is officially crazy. She flips her shit and tries to get the department to look into her boyfriend’s shirt that “smells like another woman.” I don’t think I have ever hated a fictional television character as much as I have with Lt. Pascal. I could never understand how girls get so wrapped up in crazy reality shows starring boring people they’ve never met, but I think part of that finally clicked with me as I had an urge to reach into my TV and strangle the life out of that foolish bitch. Luckily, all of my fantasies came true later on when she is FIRED.
Somehow Deb and Frank Lundy get on the topic of dating and he tells Debra to make time for an occasional date in her free time, which she apparently interprets as “go to the gym and find that one guy who tried to hit on you and then take him home, handcuff him to the bed and fuck him until your brother walks in on you.”
I know Deb gets picked on a lot in the series for being “unintelligent” and “ugly-faced,” but I would place bets that few would object to switching places with Gabriel.
Assuming the room was real dark, of course.
The next day when Debra awkwardly boasted to her boss about how she "got laid" the night before, I noticed some odd looks between them. I’m going to go out on a limb and predict that they eventually do it.
I’d like to thank the 178 flashbacks during each of these episodes because it allows us to see that Dexter learned:
- how nice hair cuts can be
- how unexplained the disappearances of all of his moles are
I'm not sure how I feel about all of these subplots. They're turning a little soap opera-ish and have nothing to do with Dexter. Five minutes before this scene, I hated Pascal like no other and now I find myself almost feeling bad for her! Not cool, Laguerta. I just hope a cliched cat fight doesn’t take place for the next six episodes. Or do I? (No. I don't.)
Dexter, still feeling the heat of Masuka’s findings in his case, puts on his favorite black jumpsuit and breaks into the station and disables the refrigeration system. By the next day, all of the bodies are morphed into warm, slimy messes and are worthless to the police. Unfortunately, the algae covered rocks were preserved and Masuka tells Dexter that they should have the results back in about a week (which will conveniently be next Sunday).
Well, that about wraps it up for this week in Dexter. In summary, Masuka is awesome, Rita’s mom can tell Dex is shady, Laguerta is a supercunt, Deb got some, Dexter witnessed his sister getting some, Lila is no good, and Dex may get zoned in on even further next week when the lab reports come back.
Oh, and Doakes shot a man. See you next week!