8:00 A.M. Carlos wakes up in a giant canopy bed in his LA mansion.
8:01 A.M. Gets morning wood.
8:02 A.M. Shows morning wood to wife. Wife rolls over, eats handful of Valium, lapses into blissful Carlos-free coma.
8:20 A.M. Goes to take a shower.
8:23 A.M. Takes a shit in the shower, decides this would be good idea for 15 minute skit.
9:00 A.M. Watches old episodes of Chappelle's Show while eating breakfast.
9:10 A.M. Wonders if anyone would notice if he ripped off entire Racial Draft skit, decides to do exact same skit except change all the races to "beaners".
9:47 A.M. Masturbates to picture of tacos, decides this would be good idea for 15 minute skit.
10:32 A.M. Practices stage voices, which range from "gay guy with Mexican accent" to "gay guy with Mexican accent trying to sound like Apu from the Simpsons".
11:17 A.M. Goes to Porsche dealership, tries to buy car with pesos.
11:18 A.M. Is rejected by manager, retaliates by calling manager a "wetback", asks if manager is offended yet. Manager is white, is not offended.
11:19 A.M. Runs around dealership calling all the employees and customers "beaners". Cackles maniaclly and declares self to be "bad boy of comedy".
11:20 A.M. Mitch Hedberg rises from dead, pimp slaps Mencia for disgracing name of comedians.
12:29 P.M. Goes to Home Depot, disappointed to find no Mexicans standing outside. Realizes he will have no material for the next 5 shows.
12:54 P.M. Goes for donkey ride with retarded uncle, retarded cousin, other (also retarded) members of extended Mencia family.
1:04 P.M. Calls uncle a "beaner", interjects Spanish into English sentence, does Downs Syndrome impression, claims to be "telling it like it is".
1:05 P.M. Donkey kicks Mencia in head, unfortunately giant novelty sombero cushions blow, Mencia loses 4 of 5 remaining brain cells.
2:12 P.M. Basks in glow of own douche-baggery.
3:39 P.M. Thinks about writing original jokes, decides to use all Chappelle'smaterialand change n***** to "beaner", is certain that this will offend people.
4:46 P.M. Starts work on music video parody of "This Is Why I'm Hot", changes word "hot" to "a wetback", repeats phrase for next 3 minutes, calls it a day.
5:20 P.M. Contemplates merging his show with Sarah Silverman's to create television programming that is actually capable of attracting negative numbers of viewers.
6:09 P.M. Decides to throw a party, asks butler to invite all his friends.
7:57 P.M. Drunken uncle shows up on a donkey, fires cap gun into air, calls Carlos "essay", plays mariachi music while performing the Mexican Hat Dance.
7:58 P.M. Carlos decides this would be great idea for hourlong special, makes mental note to have "wetback" flashing in big neon lights on TV screen, is certain this will offend millions.
8:00 P.M. No one else shows up to the party.
8:32 P.M. Stands in front of mirror and practices "dee-dee-deeeee". Uncanny resemblence to real retard.
8:33 P.M. Realizes he is an unfunny pole-smoker who writes lame, repetitive, unoriginal jokes that are not offensive or edgy, merely obnoxious. Also realizes he only got a show because Comedy Central was aiming at Hispanic audience and didn't realize Gabriel Iglesias wasn't Hawaiian.
8:34 P.M. Comes to terms with revelations, takes treasure bath in giant room of undeserved money from terrible show, a la Scrooge McDuck.
9:00 P.M. Smote by the vengeful hand of God.
9:01 P.M. Stock in Comedy Central soars by 10,000%.