1. "Your a man now, son, and men wear briefs. Keeps your dick from poking out."

2. "Pants hang up in the closet, shirts are kept in the dresser, and drawers go in the drawers."

3. "You've got 2 heads. Think with the big one."

4. Chopping wood builds character. So do mowing the yard, painting the house, and ass whippings.

5. "Every man should know how to drive a standard."

6. It's OK to lie to your children about past experiences (i.e. drugs, alcohol, prostitutes) to make a point.

7. "Mountain Dew puts hair on your chest."

8. Wearing a cowboy hat instills a sense of inferiority in others and boosts manliness tenfold.

9. "It's better to suck at football than to kick ass at band."

10. An open-palm backhand is a sufficient answer to the question "Why?".

11. No light beer. Ever.