Okay guys, I'm hauling A to rehab for a week, so I've got to lay on the gossip and get the eff out of here. I will start you off with some hotness, because you know this shizz is gonna get ugly.

Bam! Her face, her skin, her dress, her shoulders, those eyebrows, her earrings. Just about EVERYTHING on her is perfection! Thank you Halle. [WWTDD]

Paling in comparison behind her is Kim Kardashian, who is pulling out all the cheeseball stops for her upcoming Playboy photos. Pearls covering your boobs? Been there, done that!

Kim celebrated her birthday this week and her family is as wonderfully trashtastic as she is. KarTRASHian! [Egotastic/Celebslam]

Marie Osmond fainted on Dancing With The Stars, and the whole thing was oddly hilarious – especially when the audience giggles thinking she's pulling a fast one. She ain't. If you don't know who she is, ask your mom. [NinjaDude]

In other news about old people – magician David Copperfield may have raped a woman in the Bahamas and then offered her $2 million to shut up. Ugh. The stories Claudia Schiffer could tell, if only she was smart enough to form words with her mouth. [IDLYITW]

Oh look, here's a woman grabbing Jessica Biel's ass on a football field in front of Justin Timberlake. [Egotastic]

Heidi Klum revealed that she's only with Seal because he has a huge dick. Then seal said he's only with Heidi because he's like, realllly into Project Runway.

Lindsay Lohan is stuck hosting a New Year's party at Vegas club Pure after backing out of hosting her b-day party there. She missed the gig because of rehab, but she still took the $400,000 they paid her to show up. Now she can't afford to pay 'em back! Payback sure is a bitch – so is cocaine. [Ninjadude]

Britney Spears had so many train wrecks this week, it's a toss up on which one to pick. How about her new and improved lips (the top ones)?!

Ugh – why didn't she get EVERYTHING else fixed too!? [HollywoodTuna]

Hot Hayden Panettiere is still dating her 30-year old co-star. He even gave her some promise ring for her birthday. He is promising to tap that ass as soon as she lets him. [DListed]

And finally, please enjoy the trailer for Paris Hilton's new "movie" Repo! The Genetic Opera. I'd suggest getting really stoned before watching it. Otherwise it will really make no sense. [IDLYITW]

In Papi, Youuuuuuuuuk, and Beckett I Trust,