From The Offices of Satan, Lord of the Underworld
Halloween will soon be here, where you will take to the streets to corrupt the minds of mankind through ancient pagan rituals that will ultimately lead to our complete domination of all existence. What a glorious time! Rise my minions! Rise!
But you know, as I walk around the office, I hear murmurs. People say Halloween has become stale, secular and that people could care less about lil' ol me.
The other day I overheard one minion saying thee whole thing had been reduced to nothing more than giving fun-sized mounds bars to kids dressed like Optimus Prime.
At first I was mad, but I had to admit, he had a point. Our hearts have just not been in it this year. His heart especially, because I forced him to eat it while it was still beating then sent him to writhe in a lake of fire for all eternity, but you get the idea.
The only people who still think Halloween is actually demonic are Mormons and the idiots who worship me. I can’t say I blame them, in the last few years the holiday has been corrupted and commercialized to the point that even I hardly recognize it.
I say lets put the me back in Halloween. Let’s make this the most satanic (or me-ic) day of reckoning ever. I have a few ideas to get us started:
1. Purchase UNICEF.
2. Eliminate all decorations that feature skeleton’s smiling or dancing. Totally unrealistic.
3. Encourage the consumption of excessive amounts of dark chocolate, which as we all know is positively sinful.
4. Witches and vampires, the mascots of the holiday, are no longer scary. Too add to their mystique, spread the rumor that Witches are racists and Vampires have AIDS.
5. Step up our links with the living via Ouija boards, Heavy Metal Music and the face of every smiling baby.
6. Reach out to modern, empowered women by doing away with slutty nurses outfits in favor of slutty doctor’s outfits.
7. If you see trash in the hallway, pick it up, even if it’s not yours. (That’s not a Halloween tip, just something that I think everyone would benefit from.)
I like to think we are all part of a team here in the underworld, even a family. Now lets turn this around before I summon flying flesh eating insects with spinning blades for hands to murder you and your families over and over. Just kidding… sort of.
See you in hell,
PS- Whoever has been taking other people’s food out of the fridge, be aware that we have installed a camera in the break room.