In my twenty eight years as a short male, I’ve noticed some things. Most of these are about waist high to other people, but one fact that couldn’t escape my bite-sized attention is that we wee-folk have a tougher time getting laid.


Often women try to protect my feelings by telling me that they don’t want to sleep with me because I am “an asshole,” or “hard on the eyes,” or even “smelly, in an old couch sort of way.” I appreciate their compassion, but I’d prefer that they were honest with me as well as themselves, and acknowledged that they share the same prejudices as amusement parks and the NBA.


Sadly, those women are overlooking some prime opportunities.(Get it? OVERLOOKING?Because I’m short …)To help them see the light, I’ve put together the top five reasons why women should go out and get themselves a short guy, along with a phone book from a major metropolitan area for him to stand on.


1)Short guys have something to prove. Everyone knows about the Napoleon Complex, but that’s not a bad thing in the bedroom. As Emperor of France, Napoleon led an invasion of Russia. Now, anyone who knows military history or has ever played Risk knows that it’s impossible to invade Russia. The same could be said for the female orgasm. But not only did Napoleon boldly attempt the impossible; he even captured Moscow, which is geographically like hitting the Soviet G-spot.


Unfortunately, Napoleon failed. But did he give up? No! And when you fail to invade Russia, Russia doesn’t halfheartedly say, “no, no, it was good, I guess.Better than a sharp stick in the eye, anyway,” then go to bed. No, Russia kicks your ass. Yet less than two years later Napoleon tried to lead France against The United Kingdom, Germany, Russia, Sweden, Spain, Portugal…basically Europe and Russia at the same time. If invading Russia was like trying to give a woman an orgasm, Waterloo was like trying to do it while wearing oven mitts and a condom covered in Icy Hot.


The point is Napoleon wanted to be legendary and he never stopped trying. And when it comes to the boudoir, so will your personal bedroom jockey.


2) Short guys are nice. It’s a sad fact, but some guys are dicks to their girlfriends. Even if they’re not physically abusive, they can be loud, intimidating and mean.A nd it’s not funny, except for the one about what you tell a woman with two black eyes.


But you ladies can rest easy with a short guy. We’re nice, because when you’re short, being a dickhead is a good way to get punched in the face. Not that short guys are weak or bad fighters; it’s just that no one’s backing down from a fight with Frodo, so over the years we’ve learned the benefits of a sunny disposition.(That being said, we’re not pushovers, and if you fuck with us too much, you’d better be wearing shin guards.)


3) Short guys are pre-positioned for cunnilingus. Question: what has over 13 billion thumbs and enjoys oral sex? Answer: everyone on Earth. Well, short guys are always willing to “go to the store”; we’re already “in the neighborhood!” (By “go to the store” I mean “lick vagina,” and by “in the neighborhood” I mean, “staring right at it." I mean, it’s practically eye-level. Your tampons look like the pull chain on a ceiling fan.)


4) Short is the new black. From mp3 players to cell phones to collies, small is stylish. A short guy is like a brand new accessory. It’s only a matter of time before everybody has one, so get yourself an iPerson Nano today!


5) Short is a buyer’s market. If I’m to believe the comediennes at the local open mic night, all the great guys are either married or gay, and it really sucks to have a period. But so what if the perfect guy is hard to find? So is a Tickle-me Elmo doll, which is why I didn’t make one the end-all-be-all of my sex life. (Also the judge warned me about that sort of thing.)


Imagine your ovaries as your adolescent child. If you’re single and thirty, as far as your reproductive system is concerned, it’s the night before Christmas and you don’t have a gift. Sure, you’d love to get them a Furby, but are you really going to line up at six a.m. with all the other parents and hope for the best? Or are you going to bite the bullet and set your sights a little bit…ahem…lower? Sooner or later your ovaries will accept that there’s plenty of fun to be had with a sock puppet.


(Bonus) The Best Two Reasons to Have Sex With a Short Girl


1) They have a vagina.


2) You look HUGE.