Previously on Nip/Tuck: Julia was a dirty cunt, Christian and Sean were probably gay for each other, Matt looked exactly like Michael Jackson. More specifically, at the end of last season, Julia had removed to NYC with Annie (of "I have a tampon stuck in my vagina even though I am 9" fame) and Baby "Lobster Hands" Conor, presumably to live with her raging yeast infection of a mother; the separation of some ass-ugly conjoined-at-the-head adult twins ended in death, but not necessarily tragedy; Escobar was awesome and shot a guy in Sean's living room; James was less than awesome and shot herself in Burt's living room; Michelle killed Burt for his kidneys and broke her engagement with Christian; Julia had sex with a wise midget; Kimber and Matt were Scientologists and very pregnant; AND Sean and Christian (and apparently Wilbur) had moved to Hollywood to play house and make sweet, sweet anus love.
This episode was all about Control, starting off with some one-on-one b-ball action between Christian and Sean, but if you just listen to the audio and ignore the sound of Sean's loafers scuffing up the gym floor they apparently had installed in their office, it sounds like they're boning. In the ass. They keep calling each other "partner" and at the end Christian screams a triumphant and climactic "YES!" Then he warns Sean about scuffing up the floor, and Sean exposits, "Maybe if we had any CLIENTS in the past two months, I wouldn't have to spend all my time sucking at basketball." Uh-oh! Two months in Hollywood and no clients? How can this be for world-renowned plastic surgeons such as Christian and Sean? What ever will they do??!?
Answer: Spend 8-10 minutes of the episode on a flamboyant Getting Ready to Go Out montage that would make a dormitory floor full of freshman girls sigh, "Jesus, just pick a shirt and go, already!" Their genius plan is to hit up a dark and ostensibly swanky night club to peddle their services to less-than-perfect-looking women. It doesn't get them any business, but they DO get seduced into spending $5K/month on a publicist (played by Joely Richardson), who sets them up to be factual consultants on a new plastic surgery drama called Hearts & Scalpels.
Cut to a longer-than-necessary segment of Sean and Christian watching H&S. Just to clarify: I am now watching two plastic surgeons on a plastic surgery drama watch a plastic surgery drama. I know you can do better than this, Nip/Tuck writers. I remember the Carver. The bad news is that H&S has approximately the same quality of acting and writing as The Hills.
So Sean and Christian go off to consult for this TV show, and the creator (I guess?), Freddy Prune (Oliver Platt), is really sweaty and homosexual and flustered partly because his show sucks, partly because all the food at Craft Services is fried, and partly because he is desperately in love with star and all-around jackass, "Dr. Aidan Stone" (Bradley Cooper, of Wedding Crashers, WHAS, "Alias," and The Comebacks fame). Dr. Stone (I have no idea what his in-the-show-but-not-on-H&S name is) has total Control of both Freddy and H&S, it seems, which will be dealt with, because that is this episode's Theme.
Dr. Stone bitches about a script, claiming that shit like "singing and dancing" is stuff you do "in the 5th season [when the show sucks]," which way to be meta, Nip/Tuck. I hate you. Continuing in this vein, Sean and Christian suggest that they could use their own experiences as surgeons to give Freddy some plot ideas, such as the woman whose lips were burnt off and had them reconstructed with flesh from her labia: Pussy Lips. Freddy loves this and begins weeping as he intones, "PUSSY LIPS! PUSSY LIPS!" 6 million times. Sean and Christian totally have the job, y'all!
Our first of two patients this episode is Bob Easton (Craig Bierko, Cinderella Man), a high-powered studio head who needs some bite marks removed. The bite marks were, of course, inflicted by his dominatrix, Mistress Dark Pain. Obviously. Sean and Christian remove the marks.
Meanwhile, the Publicist brings in one of her aging female clients, Carly Summers, whom she thinks should get some work done. Truth be told Carly claims to be 40, but she looks at least 52. She doesn't seem to want to get work done, as she is trying to convince herself of the lie that her talent should be enough to get her work. Specifically, she's looking to get the part of a single mother (who is a coal miner with an autistic child) in a romantic comedy (I'm fairly certain that North Country wasn't a romantic comedy, but I'll roll with it), and the Publicist doesn't think she can land the part unless she looks 35. So true. Christian suavely says that he doesn't think she needs any work.
Later that night, Christian is drinking pineapple juice by the quart (so that his jizz will taste sweeter), pre-date with Carly, whom he is going to convince to get some surgery. If he could convince Kimber to get, like, 48 procedures, I have no doubt that he can convince Mother Time here to get at least 5. He leaves Sean at home with Wilbur, and Sean, ever the stilted housewife, is sad that his better half gets to go out while he has to stay at home and sweep the hearth. (Also: Did I mention that Sean and Christian are living together? Because they are. Because they are in loooove.)
A post-coital Christian convinces Carly, by way of turning on all the lights in the room, that she is a hideous, aged monster. Standing naked and with his back to us, so that we can see how not-at-all-nice his ass is (he's no Mario Lopez, that's for sure), Christian uses Carly's lipstick to indicate -on a 8'x10' black and white glamor shot from 1995- just where she needs work done.
Meanwhile, Liz interrupts Sean while he is cuddling with Wilbur on the couch to tell him that Bob Easton's dominatrix has broken into the building and has attached fish hooks to his nipples. Sean arrives immediately, presumably having left Wilbur to fend for himself, and who is Mistress Dark Pain but Baberaham Lincoln herself! Schwing! She gives Sean a little speech about Control, and insists that he could use her services. While she is talking, Bob Easton ejaculates all over his nipple wounds.
Sean gets a letter from Matt relating that the baby was born ("We named her Jenna [Jameson]"), and he wished Sean could have been there, but "she came so quickly" (that's what HE said!) that there was no time for Sean to get out to Miami. He loves Sean and Christian, he's super ugly, blah blah blah.
During this, Sean and Christian go consult with Dr. Stone and the other misfits on H&S about their unrealistic bullshit show. Pussy Lips is being played by Stiffler's Mom, and her actress character is so annoying that I almost wanted to watch American Pie just to pacify myself. Dr. Stone is a mega huge d-bag, and Sean eventually gets so fed up with his antics that he screams, "YOU ARE NOT IN CHARGE HERE," which is not only a direct quote from Mistress Dark Pain, but also very reminiscent of Tyra Banks screaming, "I HAVE NEVER IN MY LIFE YELLED AT A GIRL LIKE THIS" on ANTM a few years ago. Dr. Stone shuts up and is humbled, I guess, although Bradley Cooper is such a bad actor that he really just looks sort of like he is confused and might throw up.
He also made fun of Christian's barely receding hairline, so Christian obviously immediately makes Sean give him hair plugs, which obviously immediately get infected right before their big TV debut. As a result, he looks gross on camera, and his lines get cut. The effect of this is that Sean becomes a huge TV star (he is recognized by several people at a hot dog stand, which just goes to show that you catch more flies with miscellaneous pork parts, among the proletariats, then with Grey Goose, among the well-to-do) and Christian gets jealous and vengeful.
Nearing the end of the episode, Sean is teaching Dr. Stone, who is his new BFF, how to perform liposuction. Christian walks in on the procedure, threatens to quit H&S, and Baberaham Lincoln returns to remind Sean that he should probably let her attach fish hooks to his nipples in the near future, before his Control gets out of Control.
Also, Christian calls US Weekly and anonymously blabs that Dr. Christian Troy performed a face lift on Carly Summers, even though he had signed a confidentiality agreement. Oh yeah, did I mention that she had surgery? If I didn't, it's because I forgot to, because it was boring.
All-in-all, this season seems to be going in the direction of Season 2 of The OC, meaning that it sucks, and it knows that it sucks, so it's talking about how much it sucks by employing the conceit of a TV show just like it that also sucks (just like The Valley in The OC, which was the best show ever, and I will cut you if you disagree). The previews for the rest of the season fill me both with trepidation and delight, as it appears that A) Christian will be on a reality show about plastic surgery (which, I mean, who does he think he is, Nick Lachey?), B) Julia will, in fact, resurface as a major character/major cunt, and C) NEW YORK is going to be on this season!!! I have so much love for New York, I can't even tell you. She and this column are probably the only two reasons I will continue to tune in.
See you next week!