Well, it’s Halloween and you know what that means! Most of you probably went out and got drunk. I spent the evening watching Kid Nation. I am truly sad in what my life has become.
Let's get started
Divad opened a snack shack. And people are pissed that she is charging for food that would normally be free. Jared, mentions that she should have competition. “See where I’m going?” He asks. Yes, I do…the best episode ever.
Some Asian Bitch yells at Jared because he’s being negative about Divad’s snack shack. Okay, let’s get some things out of the way. 1. Divad’s name is fucking stupid. It’s like if I named my daughter Kram. It’s fucking dumb. 2. I don’t care who you are, if you yell at Jared…we’re going to have a HUGE problem. Which brings us to Asian Girl. She yells at Jared because he’s infringing on Divad’s business. She claims that Bill Gates started Microsoft, and no one had a problem with him. Yeah, except everyone who filed a lawsuit, but, you know, no big deal. Either way, she does not make Jared pleased.
Oh shit! Hurricane Jared just ran over to the snack shack and turned it over. He literally grabbed the table and flipped it. He claimed the leaders weren’t doing anything about the snack shack, so he had to do it himself. He then went on the Save Bonanza Telethon and claimed that Guylan “didn’t care about Jew people.”
The Journal tells The Council that there is gold hidden near Bonanza City that can make everyone rich. It’s kind of like City Slickers without that slightly funny old guy and Yankees hats. They contemplate whether or not they should tell the whole town or just go up to the treasure themselves. They decide to hike up themselves first.
Jared apologizes to Divad for what he did and says that he needs to bring a little more peace and love to Bonanza. The fact that he’s wearing a tie-dye shirt is not lost on me.
Sophia decides to make a bucket full of shit and put 50 cents inside it. She pours baked beans, rotten vegetables, something that looks like an aborted fetus, and oatmeal all into one pot. She wants to see who will dig into it to get the money. She claims that people never fail to entertain her. Let’s take a quick look back to week one where SOPHIA DANCED LIKE A PROSTITUTE TO BUY A BIKE.
The Council follows the map and finds a box of treasure filled with $18.75. They decide to try and use the cash to help out the community. Personally, I was opening they’d use it to wage war on a competing kid society, or buy a bunch of pencils at a book fair. They decide to buy a bunch of toys for the kids to play with instead.
Greg, now 20,000 dollars richer, finally goes back to being a douche bag. He fights with this kid, Nathan about how to clean dishes. Sophia narrates the event like a zoo exhibit, telling use that they fight everyday. She then offers to blow them both for cards she can put in her bike spokes…wait, I made that last part up.
Speaking of Nathan, he’s another poster child for home schooling. He’s socially awkward and all he does is work. That’s right, just like Guylan, Nathan is a product of being home schooled. The lesson? You’re just not a normal kid if you go to school in your kitchen.
Divad burns her face a little when oil splashes up on her when she’s making potatoes for her snack shack. This is great, because now, in addition to the obvious emotional scarring she’ll have from appearing on this show, she’ll have a little real scarring too.
This week’s challenge requires the teams to launch eggs over a fall and have teammates catch them. The team with the most wins. If the teams get 4 dozen combined, they win the big prize. Let me just go on record by saying there is no way they’re getting this done…they only have 15 minutes.
Red – 5
Green – 6
Yellow – 18
Blue – 38
Wow. Let me just say, the editing CBS pulled on this challenge was bullshit. They made it look like the kids got like 7 eggs.
Choice 1- Laundromat – With washers that cost 20 cents a load.
Choice 2 – A new pair of clothes for everyone and an old school washer that is hand operated but free.
They take choice 2.
We find Jared using the sun to try to light things on fire. Hey, at least now we know who that kid was who started the California fire. He then starts his own business selling necklaces that he made himself. I think he burned “Bonanza City 2007” into pieces of wood or something. A couple thoughts: 1. THIS IS AWESOME. I LOVE JARED. 2. How did he make like 50 necklaces so fast? Regardless, he made a killing. In fact, I believe his saying was “Holy Banana Bread!”
I want to give this next request its own paragraph:
Can we please make a shirt that says that? Pleeeeeaaase?
He makes two dollars and ninety cents and unlike a normal Jew decides to go spend all that shit. The Bill Gates of Bonanza buys all new clothes with his earnings and literally looks like a pimp. I’m not kidding…think Kramer in The Technicolor Dream Coat episode of Seinfeld. The clothes give Jared this new found confidence to talk to this girl we’ve never seen before. She’s cute…I hope he hits it.
On the other side of the city, a kid named Pharaoh is making his case for why he should be awarded the gold star. His reasoning? He needs the money. Dude, your name is Pharaoh…how could you be poor? Oh wait, I know. Allow me to read from the scripture of pimperey. “Couldn’t afford a car so she named her daughter Alexis.” West 3:16.
The Council once again asks the town who they think should win the star. Divad actually makes signs to campaign for the award. I’m going to chalk this up as another reason she sucks. Greg, who actually apologizes to Nathan, nominates the worker as his choice.
It comes down to Pharaoh and Nathan for the star. No one considers Divad because she’s a woman. In the end though, The Council awards the star to Nathan. This is awesome because where I went to school we would have just made the awkward kids sit at a different lunch table. In Bonanza? They get 20,000 dollars. He thanks the kids and calls school, um wait-I mean home.
Would a Kid Nathan pun be inappropriate? Probably. Either way, that brings us to the end of this week’s episode. Quick recap: Jared is awesome, Nathan won the star, and no one went home.
Next week will feature a talent show for a gold star. I can’t wait to see what The J-Man does! Is being awesome a talent? Regardless, I can’t wait for him to marry my daughter, Kram.
Until next week…
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