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Halloween is a magical time of year. It’s a chance for guys to show their creativity by coming up with humorous and/or grotesque and/or ironic costumes, and it’s a chance for girls to show off their “creativity” by dressing as slutily as possible. Really everybody wins. Since guys typically like girls based solely on their looks it makes it even easier for guys to pick out girls; of course, just because it’s easier to pick them out doesn’t mean that it’s any easier to pick them up.


It’s not just the guys that make out on Halloween, although I’m sure that is what all girls think that don’t dress up slutily. If anything, girls have even more of an advantage in terms of choosing winners during Halloween than do guys. You see, often times a costume will reflect a person’s personality. If you see a guy that has a T-shirt that says “Free breathalyzer” and has an arrow pointing at his crotch, you can be pretty sure that in addition to being unoriginal, he is probably a douche.


But the benefits for girls don’t stop there, in addition to spotting douches easily; it’s also easier to spot fun guys, which can often be difficult for girls since the Ladies for Equality, Similitude, and Brevity Organization has yet to come up with a set of standards for physical male attractiveness and therefore girls often base their perception of attractiveness on some trait called personality, and notice that I didn’t put personality in quotes; some girls actually look for things other than physical attractiveness, if you can imagine that.


Of course, all girls are attracted to different types of guys so they just have to tailor this to suit, but really there are only several categories of costumes and each says volumes about the costume’s wearer. The categories are as follows:


The Douche Costume: Dressing as any sort of female anatomy is a douche thing to wear, such as a pink taco, a boob, a mammogram test, a gynecologist, or a bloody tampon. Girls can instantly tell that a guy wearing this costume is a douche, as opposed to waiting until the next morning to find out like they would on any day other than Halloween.


The Funny Costume: This obviously will be different for different people as comedy styles vary greatly, but the funniest costume I saw this year was Green Man of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia fame. If you find a costume funny that says great things about the person wearing that costume, because not only do you share the same sense of humor, but he was smart enough to come up with the costume.


The Obscure Reference Costume: Do you remember Roger? I’ll give you a hint, he was green and he was Doug’s archenemy. You may remember him now, but it takes an explanation from the wearer of the costume, which of course detracts from the overall value of the costume. But, if your friends keep trying to guess who somebody is supposed to be, and you can tell them without batting an eye, you and the costume wearer obviously have something in common; should be an easy conversation starter.


The Original Costume: I can’t give you an example of this costume because it wouldn’t be something that I can describe in several words. The original costume truly is an original piece of art. It may be based loosely on something that the costume designer has seen, but it’s going to be their own unique take on it. The wearer of this costume, if I had to guess, is probably into theater and is gay, sorry ladies, because he could probably make a great pant suit for you out of the left over stuff from the lint trap in your dryer.


The Offensive Costume: This is the California wildfire victim costume. While comedy is often a great way to diffuse tense situations, in my own opinion, it’s a bit soon to be making fun of a tragedy while it is still occurring. The person wearing this costume doesn’t know what PC means and they get a kick out of shock value, which means that they probably curse a lot and are relatively spontaneous.


The "I thought it was going to be original but everybody else ended up doing it too" Costume: A perfect example of this costume is the Dick-in-a-Box costume, everybody thought it would be a great costume, and to their defense, it is a good idea, the only problem is that everybody else had the same idea, and when there’s 50 dicks in 50 boxes nobody wants to open a present. To a girl this costume says that this guy is trying to be cool and funny, but isn’t quite there, probably a pretty average guy.


The Ghetto Costume: An example of this type of costume would be somebody that wears a white T-shirt and writes in Sharpee “That Guy.” Very hilarious, I’m sure, but it’s not really a costume, because if you’re wearing a shirt that says “That Guy” on it, you are, in fact, that guy and you don’t need a T-shirt to announce it. This is what most girls take away from a costume like this. Although, some girls may be amused by it, and in all honesty, the type of girl that would be amused would most likely go home with you that night, so in all actuality, not too bad of a costume.


The Store-bought Costume: You know those $500 costumes that you see and wonder who buys them? Rich lazy people that take Halloween too seriously buy them. If you have one of these costumes, perhaps an official replica Batman costume, you will get hit on by girls all night long, and you’ll have a great conversation starter. The problem, of course, is that girls have dollar signs in their eyes while they are talking to you, if you shell out the money for a costume like that, you obviously really like Halloween and are willing to spend a pretty penny, and those girls want those pennies spent on them.


The Ghetto Store-bought Costume: An example of this costume would be a $3 plastic mask that only covers the face, not the entire head, and is held in place by an elastic string. The rest of the costume is normal clothes that at least try to be in the theme with the mask, usually meaning a black shirt and pants. This says to a girl one of two things, either the guy is lazy and poor or that he only takes Halloween seriously enough to invest $3 and five minutes of his time. Depending on what venue you are in, this could be acceptable.


The Nerd Costume: The guy that spends 3 months making a scale version of Optimus Prime to wear as a costume is a nerd. Nerds have a bad wrap, but if you look at their costume you realize that they have a lot of good traits: they have attention to detail, they are very committed to what they do, and they like to go all out, three things that bode very well for a relationship. Of course, your day to day conversations might consist of whether Shatner was the best Piccard, but sometimes you just have to take the good with the bad.


The Pop Culture Costume: This costume can often times be just a smidgen off from the “I thought it was going to be original but everybody else ended up doing it too” costume, the dick in the box costume could have been a pop culture costume, but instead everybody decided to do it. The hot Pop Culture costume for this year is the Michael Vick carrying around a dog. Classy. This shows that the wearer of this costume watches a lot of TV; they probably have a TiVo and record Grey’s Anatomy just to get girls back to their place.


The Outdated Pop Culture Costume: People still dress up as Borat? Yea, I guess they do, which means they saw a costume they really liked last year that they couldn’t figure out for themselves and wore it this year. Expect this guy to be an unoriginal follower.


The Rambo Costume: He could be Rambo, he could be the Terminator, Rocky, whatever – the point is he is a big jock dressed as a famous big jock. Use the same stereotypes here that you would use on a college football player and proceed with caution, sometimes these guys will try to trick you because they are actually douche trying out a different costume.


The No Costume Costume: This is the guy that comes to a Halloween party that very specifically says “costumes required” in street clothes. You think he might change in the bathroom, but he never does. This probably says more about the guy than any costume possibly could; I would steer clear from this guy at all costs if possible. He is not even committed enough to Halloween to take a black trash bag, tear it up and use it as a cape, just think how he’ll treat a relationship.


In addition to the costume choice, there are all sorts of fine details that a girl can use to pick up other traits of a guy. If the costume is sloppy and looks thrown together he is probably a procrastinator. If the guy is not just in costume but in character it can mean one of two things, either he is extremely dedicated to everything that he does, or he is a gay theater student.

Basically Halloween is a chance for girls to judge guys just like guys judge girls, solely based on appearance. Soak it in ladies; you only get this once a year.