As the former Assistant Vice Comptroller of the Treasury, I… well… I don't really understand why I was chosen to speak after President Lincoln. I mean… wow. That speech was… um… really good. Really good. I didn't even know I was giving a speech today. I just came here to loot gold teeth from the wounded and hit on grieving war widows. Still, if some hick in a stovepipe hat can move you all to tears, I'm sure I can drop a few pearls of wisdom.

(Pulls out a crumpled napkin with writing on it.) Okay. (Reads.) So this war is like, so messed up, you know what I'm saying? But we must… um… keep fighting. It won't be an easy victory, of course. I mean did you see that battle yesterday? Oh man! There was blood everywhere! The confederates were all like, "We love slaves!" And we were all like, "No way! We love slaves. But in a different sense than the way you love them!" And then they pulled out their rifles and were all like, "Pchooooooshhhhm!" And we were all like "Arggggggg…! Our legs! Dysentery!" I've never seen so many severed arms. It was so gnar'. (Points to grieving widow in the front row.) She knows what I'm talking about.

Okay, wait. Shit. Let me start over. The union is, like, so going to be preserved, okay? Seriously. We got this shit covered. It's like, remember when Abe was up here a minute ago talking about how our forefathers conceived this nation "four score and seven years ago?" Well, I know we were all probably thinking, What is this bearded freak talking about? But I believe I get the message he was trying to express: We only need to score four more battles in the next seven years to win this bitch. That's a presidential guarantee.

In conclusion, I want to thank the president for lending me his pen to write this speech. Good afternoon, and God bless America. I mean, God bless the northern half of America. Although I'm sure the Confederates pray to the same God as we do. Jesus, this war is real moral grey area. Fuck it. Do I get paid for this? No?! Well, can somebody please point me to the wounded tent?