Not gonna lie, tonight was way better than the stupid season premiere: H&S was funny and ridiculous rather than annoying, Portia diRossi is obviously beautiful and therefore worth my time no matter how deplorable her reason for being on the show is, and Christian banged two chicks at once, so that's always fun. My major problem with this episode (aside from Kate's "extra skin," but I'll address that later) was of course that Julia returned. However, this was bound to happen sooner or later, and she wasn't as awful as she potentially could have been, so I'm dealing. On to some plot deets!The theme of this episode was Competition or (if we're going to get all Rocky & Bullwinkle with it): Stop Being Such an Attention Whore and Admit That Sometimes It's Someone Else's Time to Shine. We open with a Marilyn Monroe impersonator asking Sean & Christian for bigger jubblies (she calls them "torpedoes," but that's sooo WWII) so that she can earn more tips than the rival Marilyn impersonator who also works in front of Mann's Chinese Theater. She specifically wants Sean to do the work, since he's such a huge star, what with his two lines/week on that crap-ass (yet apparently successful) TV show of his. Christian gets jealous and responds by rolling his eyes. Speaking of H&S, this episode some dude got his arm torn off somehow, but there are no tourniquets in the entire hospital, because nine construction workers were also injured, and apparently they only had nine tourniquets. Worst-Supplied. Hospital. Ever. In order to stop Grizzly Adams from bleeding to death, Dr. Stone has to use his medical scrubs (which can be removed with stripper-like ease, apparently) to cut off circulation, since no one has a tie, since it's "casual Friday!" That actually was pretty funny. Why would doctors have casual Friday? Oh H&S, sometimes you slay me, and sometimes you inadvertently slay other people by not having at least ten tourniquets on hand. The guy who plays Dr. Stone gets upset because he has to be all in his boxer-briefs and he's "bloated," and suggests that maybe Kate should do a nude scene, since she's the eye candy and all. In addition to whatever bullshit Juilliard/Shakespeare In the Park credentials they list to prove that she's a serious actress, there is clearly a way hotter girl standing next to her, so I'm not sure why he keeps insisting that he wants to see her boobs. I know I don't. She reminds me of Pam Beesly, and Pam Beesly reminds me of my dowdy librarian aunt (not that I have one), so I don't need to be all knowing how her nipples are shaped. Anyway, Kate is upset about this and also invites Sean to go to some award show with her. An indeterminate amount of time later, in the "real" doctors' office.: Sean is stuffing implants into Fake Marilyn's boob sacs while "I Wanna Be Loved By You" plays, and Sean smarms that now that he is a mega-huge TV star, he TOTALLY understands the lyrics. Christian is all, "Whatever, I'm totes jeal. Fuck you. Soon I'll be on the cover of US Weekly for spilling! my! GUTS! about that face-lift last week." And Sean is all, "Whaaaaa?" Cut to Christian getting his ass handed to him by The Publicist (her name is Fiona, but if I keep calling her The Publicist, I'll feel more like she's The Punisher or something, which is way cooler). Apparently since she has her "hand up" US Weekly's proverbial "ass" (still not sure how that's good for her, but then again, I'm not really into fisting), they checked with her before they ran the story, and proper nutrition and Bikram yoga were cited as the cause of Ms. Summers's youthful glow. She then threatens to dump Christian as a client, since he's clearly a backstabbing Mean Girl, but he manages to finagle his way into retaining her as a publicist. Somehow this leads to him doing a nude photo shoot, but before we get to see Christian naked
We see Christian naked, doing push-ups on his balcony. The hell? Just as he's nearing his 11th push-up, his remote control rings, and it's Julia! Oh, my bad: Apparently that's a cordless phone. Also apparently Julia lost 36lbs and gained a $400 gift certificate to Mystic Tanning since last season. Actually, she looks pretty good, but I think that I mostly just think that because she's not blaming someone else for the fact that she's a huge cunt. Also because she's not doing push-ups naked on her balcony. Anyways, she alerts Christian to two important pieces of info: 1) she will be visiting the next weekend so that she can 2) tell Sean in person that she's moving in with her new love interest. Whatever, she bores me. Also Conor is now magically 3.5 years old, so that's pretty accurate. Sean and Kate stumble drunkenly out of a limo and up to Kate's Arts & Crafts stoop, where Sean proceeds to kiss her neck and she proceeds to cry and slap him. Stay away from the crazies, Sean! Jesus! Also she's not even that hot!
Unlike Christian, who is posing in some leopard-print briefs for a publication of ostensibly good repute. He's all oiled up, and the photographer is Italian or Portuguese (or something weird), and there was a murmur that Selma Hayek was supposed to be on this season, and I'm pretty sure that if she were going to be, this would have been her role. Alas, we are only treated with some lady who is much skinnier than Selma Hayek, though no less Italian-or-Portuguese-looking. Christian looks predictably too-fat-and-oily-and-pointing-at-the-camera to be doing this shoot, but apparently it's for Playgirl or something of that ilk, because she leaves to get more film so they can waste like 65 frames on shots of Christian pointing at his dick. (He has turtling issues, which The Publicist attributes to nerves, and she helps him get a semi by showing him her boobs, which they both claim to be perky and youthful, but which I will have to see to believe, because bitch is like 65.)Kate apologizes to Sean for freaking out on him, Sean nuzzles her on a fake park bench scene, blah blah blah. I hate people who aren't either cutting someone else open or taking their clothes off or eating out Portia diRossi. Another Marilyn impersonator (the RIVAL Marilyn impersonator) comes to the office and solicits Christian's services. I guess he gives her new boobs, too, though we don't get to see the surgery. Also Fake Marilyn #1 gets pretty upset about it, and Christian gets upset at Sean for bringing Fake Marilyn #2 in there. Kate pays a visit to the office and asks Sean to remove the "20lbs" of extra skin left over from her gastric bypass. Apparently she used to be fat, which explains why she might be supposed to be a little bit cool, because fat chicks have issues, but one of them isn't superiority (except when it comes to donut-eating contests). Sean is unphased by the little bit of extra skin around her abdomen, but I am appalled by it, because I watch a lot of reality TV, and at least, like, 85% of that is plastic surgery reality TV, and that is NOT what a gastric bypass patient looks like. They have way more extra skin, which looks a lot less like silly putty and liquid latex. I know she's an actress, etc, but if Weird Al could wear a fat suit for the "Eat It" video, I'm pretty Pam Beesly v.1.2 can wear one to pretend that she used to weigh 230lbs. Anyway, during her surgery Christian makes a bunch of jokes about her being in the Macy's Day Parade, etc. He's not a comedian, but he and Sean are apparently both enough of middle schoolers for Sean to like Kate less because his friends thinks she used to be fat. Which is true. Sean gets picked to be one of People's 50 most eligible bachelors, which makes Christian so jealous that he asks Kate out, so she invites him to the People's Choice Awards, and I know that they aren't affiliated with People magazine, but it's still sort of ironic. Maybe?One of the Marilyns tries to kill herself by taking a bunch of sleeping pills, so they have to pump her stomach. Sean finds out that Kate is going out with his BFF and gets upset with Christian, obviously, and then Julia shows up just in time to personify their contentions. She shows up with Portia aka Olivia, and Sean and Christian are both like, "Whaaaa?!? Schwing!" They go out and Olivia schools Christian at pool and Sean discusses how he could be so bad at sex that Julia would rather fuck a midget and another pussy than him. True. I had forgotten about Marlowe for a second there. Also Olivia mentions her daughter, which confuses Christian for a second, but I mean, duh, dude. We all know about Mabee. Julia and Olivia leave to go lick each others' clitorises (or do each others' hair, I dunno), and Christian almost busts his shirt open every time he leans back. Dude needs to lose, like, 10-15lbs before he can continue to wear that size. Sean apologizes to Kate for doing nothing, pretty much, and apparently Fake Marilyn #1's death scare was enough to make her 1) reconcile with Fake Marilyn #2 and 2) have a threesome with Fake Marilyn #2 and Christian. For money. I'm pretty sure that at the end, Christian heard a girl voice saying that he'd gone too far or had no morals or something, but that's ridiculous. Christian has had a threesome with a mother-daughter couple before. Don't even try to say that two friend who make a living by dressing as Marilyn Monroe are as bad as that. They aren't. Plus those chicks were, like, at least 38. Next week: Jail bait! Plus Liz claims that Julia isn't a real lesbian, which, no kidding. Sean, I think, calls Julia "bi-curious," which I'm ambivalent about. I sort of think that every girl experiments with another girl or two at some point (or at least considers it), and although Julia is about 20 years older than most girls who do that, she's also really, really stupid, so she's still discovering things about herself and the world around her. For instance, winter follows autumn, and not everything is about her.