Pooping in public is not easy. Perfect public pooping puts people* at ease (*English Nerd Alert: Alliteration). This text is designed to help people poop in public (but behind closed doors). This text should also serve as a support system to overcome the fear of pooping at any time and in any place that isn't your home.

First of all, human beings have a few very basic needs to survive. Humans need to eat, humans need to drink, humans need to sleep, and humans need to poop. If you, as a human being, were hungry, but you were not in your home, would you still try to eat? Yes, you would. Have you ever bought a drink while you were out, maybe at the mall, shopping for some edible underwear, and because you were so thirsty you couldn't wait until you got home to have that drink? Yes, you have. And if you were drunk, and stumbling around downtown, wishing you were home so you could pass out because you are so tired, but you're not at home, so you decide to sleep with a prostitute in an old refrigerator box, would you not fall asleep there after the sex, even though its not your home and its raining out and your feet are sticking outside the end of the "shelter" you found? Yes, my god man, yes you would. So what is the hold up about pooping outside your home? Maybe you don't know how.

This text is divided into 4 chapters: pooping at school, pooping at work, pooping downtown, and pooping at a new girlfriends.

Chapter 1: Pooping at School
As if adolescence isn't difficult already. Drama queens. Zits. Showering. No one wants to deal with them. Throw in a school hour bowel movement, and most kids have Finch-like anxiety. This chapter will not clear up your acne, or tell you that showering is necessary, but what it will do is help ease your anxiety and face your fear of pooping at school. First, find a relatively secluded faculty bathroom. Maybe you play sports or participate in a non-sporting activity such as cheerleading, but take the time after school to investigate your schools many hallways and bathrooms. After school hours is a good time to investigate for the obvious reason that many of your school's faculty leave to go drink. Heavily. (How else do they cope with you?) Tucked away nicely in your Science and Technology wing, maybe across the hall of an administrator (who is some young hot shot that was given a made up job because his mom has taught at your school for 72 years) you'll find "your" bathroom.

One toilet. One sink. Hand towels. Toilet paper. Cleanliness. Peace. And quiet. Go ahead. Poop.

Helpful Hints and Review:
1. Don't waste time with a t.p. buffer zone, this palace of a restroom is hardly used, so a quick toiletseat toweling is all you need before taking your throne.
2. If, while pinching, you hear approaching footsteps and a subsequent knock, just clear your throat deeply, its universal for, "Gonna need a minute, I'm dropping a deuce."
3. Wipe. And if its lunch time or study hall, bring something to read.

Chapter 2: Pooping at Work
Very difficult to master. If you work at a school, many of the same rules that applied for pooping at school can be applied to pooping at work. But not everyone works at a school and this textbook was designed to teach proper technique and due process for any and all situations. Jobs and careers are much more demanding on our time than school ever was. Results, results, results. A minute wasted at the office looking up porn on the internet is another dollar wasted that could have made some European guy that owns the company you work for even more wealthy than he already is. In today's working America, pooping needs to be precise. So lets get to the point. First, have a plan. You know already that Monday is your Sunday morning hangover's hangover. Mixing it up between red bull, bud ice, southern comfort, combos, bbq chicken finger pizza, irish car bombs, and street meat, your Sunday morning hangover hits you around 2pm. So into your digestive system goes more bbq chicken finger pizza and combos. Fast forward to the present, Monday morning, 10am, your cubicle trying so desparately to defend your gas. Have a plan right? You know most of your coworkers are pretty regular. You have done the research and found that you have a 13 minute time span to squeeze into the potty, and squeeze out your weekend. 10:05am to 10:18am, watch out. Remember, precision is key.

Helpful Hints and Review:
1. Make fast with a towel down and a t.p. buffer zone. Monday morning coworkers, you don't know where those cheeks have been all weekend, nor do you want to know.

2. No time to read, just concentrate.
3. Wipe!! Swampass sucks!
4. Since this is your floors only facility, and somehow everytime your office crush follows your lead; bring matches AND a deodorizer, you can't leave that stench for her. Oh yeah, courtesy flush.

Chapter 3: Pooping Downtown (at the bars)
Remember why you had to use the bathroom so bad Monday morning? What you put in to your body on Saturday night is usually a big factor. But sometimes, what goes into your body Saturday night cannot wait until Monday morning to come out, or even Sunday. Maybe you're a little nervous, or unsettled, whatever it is, but you're out with your friends, clubbing or bar-hopping, as the kids say, and you feel some thunder and lightning going on downstairs. This is an emergency because one, who wants to stop drinking for fifteen minutes while you are out on Saturday night? Two, its as sure as taxes that there is not one clean toilet at any of the establishments you will be attending. Three, if you found a suitable shitter, there are sure to be drunk, aggressive, hormonely driven meatheads that try to break down your privacy (the door) and laugh at you. How can you poop like that? Here's how. The buddy system. Grab a trustyworthy friend, one you know who can either stand up for himself because he is strong,

or one who is a good talker, and can mouth his way out of most situations.

This friend will guard your crapper door as if he needs to use it. This friend can even say stuff to you as if he isn't your friend, just to hold the meatheads at bay. This situation calls for the quickest movement of all the situations for two reasons. One, you're losing valuable drinking time. And two, embarassment levels are directly correlated to the length of time you take dropping the heater.

Helpful Hints and Review:
1. Make sure your toilet has a door! No door, why don't you just lay a terd on the bar!
2. These toilets are sickening, death might be on them. Wrap your hands in towel, then take more towel to towel down seat, give yourself at least a two-layered t.p. buffer zone, and hover if possible. Don't worry about flushing. Get the hell out of there fast!
3. Dark alleyways provide only alternative to bar pooping. Don't wipe with snow, and be careful wiping with leaves, it could be poison ivy.
4. Wash your hands! And tip the attendant (grab some gum to rationalize tipping him).

Chapter 4: Pooping at a New Girlfriends
Ah, love. What great moments those are. Sparks. Chemistry. Tickles. Kisses. Never saying no. Never taking no for an answer, whatever, when two people meet and some heavy duty liking is in the air, love, almost always, cannot be denied. But it happens all the time. In an effort to impress, or maybe, in an effort to not disgust, you hold in every possible thing that could come out of the good old two-hole. No thunderous ass, no clappers, and no SBDs. But tonight you took her out to eat, you ordered fajitas, silly, and then, she took you back to her place. Right on right on right on, right? Wrong. You will have cramps, and they will hurt from holding it all in. You have to poop, there's no if's and's or but's about it (pun intended). Here's how you handle it. Let her show you around. Hold her hand as she describes to you in great detail her love for butterflies that ride ponies and the artists that draw them.

She will show you her living room, her bedroom, the bathroom, and the kitchen (and later on, the kitchen sink, if you know what I'm saying!) Walk her over to the couch, move in for a big hug, breath in the smell of her skin and hair, pull back, look into her eyes, brush the hair in her face over her ear, and give her a kiss that will black her out for the next ten minutes. Sit her down and tell her you need to use the bathroom. Quickly do your business. Easier said than done right? Chances are, you will be making more noise than you would like to. To cover up this noise, start up a conversation with your lady. Everytime you think something loud and embarassing might be heard, talk louder, laugh harder, or cough deeper. If you are well-versed at conversing, she won't even notice you're pooping, she can't believe you like her enough to talk/listen.

Helpful Hints and Review:
1. Before steaming up the room, check for her deodorizer, if none, crack a window.
2. Wash hands, girls notice that shit.
3. Shut door behind you. No reason to bring the scent with you to where you are going.

Summary and Quiz
Perfect public pooping is never perfect. Perfection lies within the effort, the attempt. Pooping is a natural bodily function. You need to do it like you need to eat, drink, and sleep. You want to talk about no shame, you want to talk about pride, take a walk outside some sunny day. Look for a dog being walked and see if that dog poops. That dog will poop right in front of you. Publicly. Public pooping by a dog. No anxiety. Thanks doggies, for the style you taught us,

and for helping us to believe in ourselves out in public.