Dear Mr. President,
I really feel bad for homeless people. I often wonder why they can’t find jobs. I noticed the other day that they hire retarded people at Wal-Mart, so why not homeless people? I thought this was America—the land of equality! It is my personal opinion that poor people can be just as effective as Glen in aisle 6. However, I may be wrong. To be honest, I’ve never actually talked to a homeless person…ever. My mom says not to look them straight in the eye and if you talk to one then you turn homeless too.
Regardless of this, I want to help the poor. I believe I have a solution that solves all of their problems (no money, food, house, etc) with a little gem of a plan that I like to call "Dollar Menu Economics—Tackling The Tough Issues of Poverty One Homeless Person at a Time." The title took awhile, if you couldn’t tell.
"Dollar Menu Economics—Tackling The Tough Issues of Poverty One Homeless Person at a Time":
Food: Poor people should get all of their food off of the McDonald’s Dollar Menu. I mean, smeariously, it only costs a dollar! Four quarters…one hundred pennies. I truly believe that the introduction of the Dollar Menu is probably the greatest thing to happen poor people this century. Even poor people can afford one dollar for so many healthy and delicious food options. Perhaps they want some poultry…BAM, McChicken. Maybe they need some energizing red meat….BAM Double Cheeseburger. They even have hot fudge sundaes, thus covering all of the vital parts of the Food Pyramid.
Money/Jobs: I know what you’re thinking Mr. President…they’re poor. They don’t have a dollar to spare on food, and if they did they would spend it on things like forties and crack. Don’t worry, I have a solution. An often forgotten fact about homeless people is that they do nothing. All day. Everyday. Could their one job not be to look for change on the street? I explained my economic plan to my Grandfather when we were out to eat at the Olive Garden last Sunday night. He thinks it’s a really good plan, but he believes that the homeless would have a lot of competition with the Jews. They apparently also collect change on the street. Regardless of this, people drop spare change all the time, so I am pretty sure there will be enough for the Jews and the poor.
Hygiene: This one was so easy to think of. When they go to McDonalds to order their meal, they can easily slip into the public bathroom that is for paying customers only. They are in fact men and women of money (thanks to me) now and deserve the best bathrooms a dollar can buy. I’m sure McDonald’s bathrooms are great, but I have personally never been in one. My mom thinks that public bathrooms are festering with diseases like the AIDS. I don’t think the homeless will mind though, if they don’t have the AIDS yet—it is only a matter of time.
Shelter: I think that poor people have a good thing going with heat vents and public transportation. No changes needed here.
I realize that this plan is imperfect. It doesn’t address homeless people that are black and don’t do any work at all. I guess they can just feed off of the white homeless people and benefit from all of their hard work.